Favourite posts from the 2nd quarter of 2012

A rundown of highlights from earlier in the year...

Pick of the Archives:

Favourite Posts, April-June 2012

1)  Bon mot for the week  -  2nd April 2012

One of my own, and one of my best.

2)  Inadvertent Truths 1 & 2  -  4th April 2012

I seem to find telling little observations about China everywhere.

3)  If only it did mean that  -  6th April 2012

I indulge in some etymological frippery again.

4)  More futility  -  12th April 2012

I am particularly exasperated with this year's English assessments at Xinhua News - which take ineptitude of test design and implementation to new depths. (Still, at least we got a few compensatory laughs out of it.)

5)  Haiku for the week  -  13th April 2012

A poignant observation on my looming departure from Beijing, drawing parallels with a faltering love affair.

6)  Your lupins or your life!  -  14th April 2012

A brief spasm of renewed interest in my Invent a band name thread over on The Barstool eventually produced its 200th comment contribution. The 'winning' suggestion was a Chinese phrase that means 'righteous bandits' - and that prompted me to dig out one of my favourite Monty Python skits to post, the ballad of the well-intentioned but inept highwayman Dennis Moore.

7)  Illegal Alien  -  19th April 2012

An extended piece on the difficulties of obtaining Chinese visas.

8)  More found humour  -  24th April 2012

I have to use a Chinese map for the first time in ages; and it provides me with a good belly laugh.

9)  The genie won't go back in the bottle  -  26th April 2012

Another of my longer and more serious pieces, this time on the impact of Sina Weibo, China's hugely popular micro-blogging service.

10)  Striking a balance  -  27th April 2012

I fret over whether my writing is sometimes too verbose; but at least I've found a wonderful cartoon to illustrate the eternal dilemma between comprehensiveness and conciseness.

11)  Another Film Quotations Quiz  -  28th April 2012

Another little end-of-the-month trivia challenge for my readers; rather easier this time, I thought.

12)  Another incisive suggestion from the think tank  -  30th April 2012

My work for a leading international relations think tank regularly furnishes topics for me to gripe about: here, Chinese superstition, China's 'soft power' agenda, China's relations with Africa - and stupidity in general.

13)  List of the Month: unanswered questions about the Titanic  -  5th May 2012

The recent centenary of the Titanic's sinking led me to read Walter Lord's famous account of the disaster, A Night To Remember... and then to start obsessing about all the points that he didn't really cover. This post grew into a monster, with several updates and emendations, and further discussion in the comments.

14)  My Fantasy Girlfriend: Liz Phair  -  12th May 2012

The raunchy rock chick is particularly closely associated in my mind with China, since a taped copy of her fabulous debut album Exile In Guyville accompanied me on my first visit here in the 1990s. Here, I post a couple of the best songs from that album.

15)  Haiku for the week  -  18th May 2012

Contemplating my imminent departure, I remember a useful Italian proverb, and comment on why I - and so many other people - are giving up on China.

16)  When is a gunboat not a gunboat?  -  18th May 2012

A particularly lunatic pronouncement on the Scarborough Shoal standoff by a Chinese "international security expert" prompts me to recall a favourite cartoon from Punch in the 1970s. At least I'm trying to retain my sense of humour!

17)  I feel FREE!  -  19th May 2012

Delirious with relief at the prospect of my escape from China, I celebrate with Cream's finest moment - and Pete & Dud's finest moment.

18)  Yang Rui takes a crazy pill  -  21st May 2012

Just as I'm leaving, an odious Chinese TV 'personality' ramps up the xenophobia levels here with an obscenely hateful microblog outburst. I lobby (vainly, alas) for his dismissal.

19)  "Possible", but difficult  -  22nd May 2012

The story of one's life in China for a foreigner! I try applying for a credit card - just for the thrill of rejection.

20)  Haiku for the week  -  25th May 2012

I have a Hello, Darkness, my old friend moment upon arrival back in England.

21)  I thought you were dead!  -  25th May 2012

Why - and HOW - is Carl Jung paying me money??

22)  Six Sigma in the toilet  -  31st May 2012

Even now I'm escaped from China, crazy stories from there keep following me around. (Another one here!)

23)  Hong Kong still remembers  -  6th June 2012

This year's post on the anniversary of the 1989 Tiananmen protests.

24)  The weekly haiku  -  8th June 2012

I find myself overwhelmed by my reacquaintance with the colour green. (I soon wrote about further reasons why I found myself enchanted to be back in England.)

25)  Farewell, dear friend  -  8th June 2012

A brief obituary for my blog friend Tony Brooks, recently deceased.

26)  Haiku for the week  -  15th June 2012

An unusually soul-baring little post: my excitement about the upcoming European Football Championship (in which I felt England had a chance - ah, foolish optimism!) is undercut by some morbid reflections on the dangers of nostalgia.

27)  Looking at things differently  -  18th June 2012

After years of vain searching, I finally unearth one of my favourite cartoons to share with you.

28)  Vilnius calling  -  21st June 2012

Lithuania seems to be one of the likeliest locations for my next spell of expattery. The vibrancy of the local music scene is amongst its many attractions.

29)  The Fantasy Girlfriend 'Football Team'  -  23rd June 2012

In keeping with the football theme of the moment, I come up with a squad of 12 of the lovely young actresses who captivated my heart during my childhood in the 1970s.

30)  Haiku for the week  -  29th June 2012

A hymn of praise to ceiling fans.

Favourite posts from the 1st quarter of 2008

Pick of the Archive:
Favourite Posts, January-March 2008

1) List of the Month: Top 10 Dances You'd Like To See The Cebu Prison Inmates Perform - January 5th

Having discovered - slightly later than the rest of the world! - the astounding 'dancing Filipino prisoners' phenomenon, I offer up a list of requests for their next YouTube routine.

2) Chain of association - January 6th

A gloomy and depressive week produces a not-bad poem (quite possibly the only one I've written this year - what is wrong with me?!).

3) Some languages have music - January 10th

I kick off my wilfully provocative Why I Don't Learn Chinese series with this confession that I find the sound of the language severely unattractive.

4) Chinese people LOVE me! (14) - January 11th

I indulge in the obligatory ex-pat rant against the odious TV 'personality', Da Shan.

5) Rich and strange - 16th January

More bizarre discoveries from the Internet: novelty coffins from Ghana, and a Japanese artist who crafts exquisite sea creatures out of plastic bottles.

6) Belly rumbles, belly laughs - 18th January

Some choice bits of Chinglish from the new menu at my favourite local restaurant.

7) Wanderlust - 20th January

Some reflections on where the impulse to travel in me comes from - my 'black sheep' grandfather, The Wind In The Willows, and a favourite Larkin poem are cited as likely influences.

8) I WANT this book! - 21st January

I turn up a link to a list of 'weird book titles', including the irresistible 'How To Avoid Work'.

9) Chinese people LOVE me! (15) - 24th January

Some observations on who pays the bill, including an anecdote of one of my great romantic disasters. Another much commented-upon post.

10) A bon mot double whammy - 28th January

I can't resist a little riff on Voltaire - as consolation for my recent firing!

11) Another job I am unlikely to be re-hired for.... - 28th January

Some encounters with staff of the state-run Xinhua News wire service leads me to indulge for once - rashly! - in a little bit of politics. Extensive comments on this one too!

12) It's a funny old world - 29th January

The bizarre novelty of a two-seater toilet prompts some reflections on the shortcomings of bathroom plumbing I have encountered in China.

13) An 'It's that time of year again' haiku - 1st February

The early onset of the protracted firework overkill that is Chinese New Year fills me with trepidation.

14) Self-destructive tendencies - 8th February

Following on from my topical haiku this day, I compile a list of the suicidal behaviours I have witnessed in connection with the setting off of fireworks in the last few days.

15) The wonder of YouTube - 10th February

My favourite YouTube discovery of the year: a young guy who does brilliant lip-syncs of his favourite rock songs (in this case, What's Up? by 4 Non-Blondes).

16) More 'meme' madness - 12th February

A selection of excerpts from the 123rd page of books I'd read recently - an intriguing exercise.

17) 10,000 Maniacs - 13th February

I commemorate the milestone of the blog's 10,000th recorded visitor with this great YouTube clip of the Canadian band 10,000 Maniacs - Natalie Merchant duetting with guest David Byrne on three songs at the end of their MTV Unplugged concert.

18) A romantic(?) haiku - 15th February

A true story - I am completely smitten with a woman I saw while I was out running around Houhai lake.

19) Mao The Mischievous - 15th February

Stranger than fiction - another true story (picked up from my blog-buddy, Jeremiah) about a bizarre digression during the landmark diplomatic talks between Mao and Kissinger in 1973.

20) Another double bon mot - 18th February

Another consolation for the loss of my job at the end of last year. This time I'm riffing on a favourite line from a favourite film.

21) More Chinglish highlights (illustrated!) - 23rd February

A winter break in the far northern city of Harbin produces some amusing photographs.

22) In search of El Dorado - 25th February

The quest for China's best DVD shop (check out also this list of the most common, quirkiest faults with pirated disks out here).

23) Doing The Lantern Festival right - 28th February

Harbin seems to do the Chinese New Year's festivities so much better than Beijing. Here are some photos.

24) A bon mot on 'art' - 3rd March

Probably my favourite bon mot discovery in a long, long time - from Dilbert creator, Scott Adams.

25) Roll call - 8th March

Subbing for a friend for a month in a series of University evening classes, I discover the worst collection of 'English names' ever chosen by a single group of Chinese students. Really. The worst EVER.

26) Because it doesn't get you anywhere... (Why I don't learn Chinese [3]) - 12th March

Observations on the limited utility (in everyday situations, at least) of being able to speak Mandarin.

27) Top overseas consultant to the Beijing Olympics - revealed! - 12th March

This roundup of recent news stories on Beijing's preparations for the Olympics is so alarming (so depressing!), I can only conclude that Dr Evil has replaced Steven Spielberg as the leading foreign adviser to the Organizing Committee.

28) My Fantasy Girlfriend - Elizabeth Russell - 15th March

One of my favourites in this series so far - incorporating an extended review of the film in which the character appears, the Bollywood classic Lagaan.

29) Inverted commas - the Chinese propaganda machine's deadliest weapon - 17th March

My comment on the Chinese governments unintentionally hilarious penchant for referring to everything they don't like as "so-called...... democracy, freedom, human rights, etc."

30) Don't sling mud - 20th March

Morose observations on the most common responses to the Tibetan troubles in the Chinese blogsphere, kicking off my occasional series of more politically slanted posts, Free Advice For The Chinese Leadership.

31) Un-banned! - 24th March

The lifting of the censorship block that's been imposed on my two blogs for most of this month reminds me of an anecdote from my early teaching days here, an illustration of the occasionally rather creative mangling of English that the Chinese can produce.

32) I just wish they'd make their f***ing minds up! - 30th March

My summary of the ways in which China's Internet censors have been trying to disrupt our lives over the past few weeks - and an impassioned request for them to STOP!

Favourite posts from the 4th quarter of 2008

Continuing my catch-up on recommendations from a year and more ago...

Pick of the Archive:
Favourite Posts, Oct.-Dec. 2008



1) Another sign of De-Olympification - 4th October 2008

An anecdote about my first introduction to Beijing's backstreet 'hairdressers'.

2) My Fantasy Girlfriend - Barbara Good - 4th October 2008

Barbara Good, in classic '70s BBC sitcom The Good Life, was just about the perfect woman.

3) Sunday silliness - 5th October 2008

One of my favourite short 'poems', one of my silliest, one of my most outrageous puns.

4) Bon mot for the week - 6th October 2008

One of my own, one of my best.

5) Possibly.... The Best Blog in the World? - 7th October 2008

A recommendation for a wonderful recent discovery, the blog Other Men's Flowers.

6) Sunday Poetry Corner - 12th October 2008

A favourite war poem, Clifford Dyment's The Son.

7) Therapies - 14th October 2008

A list of things that make me feel better....

8) SOAP! - 16th October 2008

A great collective bar-room joke: my drinking buddies and I invent the worthy charity, Stamp Out Animal Pornography.

9) Not exactly a poem.... - 24th October 2008

But rather amusing, I think.

10) Sunday Linguistics Corner - 26th October 2008

My academic editing job throws up a particularly disturbing neologism.

11) An idealistic teacher - 27th October 2008

My approach to the teaching of poetry.

12) A motto for China - 27th October 2008

Found humour: an anecdote on Other Men's Flowers seems strangely appropriate to my adopted home.

13) White Trash Halloween - 31st October 2008

I'm not a fan of this holiday, but I did find this photograph of unusual pumpkin decorations rather fun.

14) Urbane? Moi?! - 3rd November 2008

I think I would prefer the epithet suburbane. This post became a repository for reviews of my two blogs.

15) Website of the Month - Editorial Ass - 5th November 2008

A long overdue recommendation for the wonderful Moonrat (also my Fantasy Girlfriend of the month).

16) The next huge bestseller - 8th November 2008

I win a competition with this outline for a social history of Gin.

17) Chinglish mispronunciation - 13th November 2008

A favourite example of this genre of humour: a film whose title you will struggle to recognise.

18) List of the Month - 'Desert Island' albums - 16th November 2008

My 10 favourite rock albums.... well, amongst my favourites....

19) I am easily amused (yet again) - 17th November 2008

An unlikely Scandinavian name I notice in some film credits reduces me to helpless mirth, and provokes some silly flights of linguistic fancy from me.

20) Chinese lanterns - 24th November 2008

One of my favourite photographs, an unusual view of Beijing's famous Gui Jie restaurant strip.

21) Chinese people LOVE me! (20) - 25th November 2008

Chinese underpants don't have flies; this gives me an enviable advantage over the locals when I need to take a quick pee in a public toilet.

22) Late-night shopping run - 27th November 2008

I suffer a particularly galling incident at my local 7/11 store.

23) Translation - 28th November 2008

I attempt an English version of a famous bon mot from the Chinese sage Xun Zi.

24) Film List - the greatest Westerns - 29th November 2008

The first - and best - of my monthly 'Film List' series.

25) A restful image - 1st December 2008

A photograph of the courtyard where I stayed the last time I was in New Orleans - an image I regularly turn to for solace or relaxation.

26) Last words - 2nd December 2008

A humorous contemplation of suicide (and a little bit of bitching about Microsoft).

27) Today, in the recording studio - 4th December 2008

Recording listening practice exams was never so amusing! Well, in fact, it's usually fairly rib-tickling; but this session was something extra-special.

28) Because you can make 'Art' out of anything.... - 5th December 2008

I discover a website devoted to 'tampon art'....

29) The weekly bon mot - 8th December 2008

My blog-friend Tony produces a particularly good line on cats.

30) Pulgasari - 12th December 2008

My friends at Koryo Tours arrange a screening of this 'classic' North Korean Godzilla film, whose story is rich with political metaphor.

31) List of the Month - Things I wish my mother had told me.... - 13th December 2008

A collection of bons mots - the sum of my life's wisdom.

32) Oh, grow up! - 14th December 2008

Continuing my 'Free Advice' series.... I get irritated by the Chinese government's latest fatuous tantrum over the Dalai Lama.

Blogger STOLE this post

My apologies to regular and casual readers of this site.

I usually begin the week with a wise and/or witty quotation. I often spend hours scouring the Net - or my private library - for suitable candidates. At the start of each month, I usually try to come up with such a 'bon mot' myself.

Because these posts, though usually very short, are amongst the most labour-intensive things I produce for my blogs, I like to try to prepare batches of them for some weeks or months in advance. A few months back, I spent the best part of a day compiling ALL of these 'bon mot' posts on both of my blogs for the rest of the year.

Then, last week, Blogger gremlins deleted ALL of my 'scheduled' posts. (Well, at least here on Froogville. If they'd destroyed all of my pre-baked goodies over on Barstool Blues as well, I would be even more distraught.)

So, no 'Bon mot for the week' today, I'm afraid. 

I am still in mourning for my murdered babies.

And until I see some sort of acknowledgement that Blogger has become aware of the problem and taken steps to fix it, I don't feel much inclined to post any more at all - and certainly not to pre-schedule anything.

I HATE you, Blogger.

Favourite posts from the 1st quarter of 2010

Time for another roundup of the best of one year ago....

Pick of the Archives:

Favourite posts, January-March 2010

1)  A breakthrough for Chinese poetry farmers!  -  5th January 2010

The characteristically mangled English pronunciation of CCTV9's newsreaders prompts this little piece of whimsy.

2)  Hubertina Hildebrand says Hallo  -  6th January 2010

Some e-mail spam from an exotically-named sender prompts this little piece of whimsy.

3)  Randomly generated names for characters in a novel  -  9th January 2010

My 'List of the Month' records twenty or so of the surprisingly plausible names I'd encountered over the previous six months through the ReCaptcha spambot-blocking system.

4)  Problem? What problem?  -  12th January 2010

A particularly important example of Chinese 'cultural difference' - illustrated by Chinese artist Yang Liu.

5)  Only several... (War on Chinglish - 14)  -  15th January 2010

One of the most common - and, I find, the most irritating - quirks of Chinese English.

6)  There you go, China  -  19th January 2010

The despotic "first emperor" Qin Shihuangdi furnishes an unlovely - but all too apposite - paradigm for many subsequent Chinese rulers.

7)  Pacing  -  26th January 2010

The skills required for voicework are more substantial than is often recognised. (Interesting link in the comments here from JES, too.)

8)  It really ought to be a word  -  30th January 2010

Text-message clumsiness begets an inspired invention!

9)  The Rigmarole  -  2nd February 2010

It can take the Chinese a very long time indeed to take their money out (or put it away again). Really.

10)  A dark poem  -  7th February 2010

Some observations on Auschwitz, prompted by the recent theft (and recovery) of the 'Arbeit Macht Frei' sign from above the entrance.

11)  Those naughty Australians!!  -  11th February 2010

The folks Down Under really do create the world's most risqué advertising campaigns.

12)  Just for the record...  -  20th February 2010

... I am not a killjoy in the matter of fireworks. But...  (I never much enjoy Chinese New Year and its insane firework overkill.)

13)  War Music  -  21st February 2010

Some favourite excerpts from Christopher Logue's wonderful modern versions of scenes from Homer's Iliad.

14)  Can blue men sing the whites?  -  23rd February 2010

A long and virulent review of the godawful Avatar. (Includes a couple of links at the end to the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band's song which provided the post title.)

15)  Film List - more great openings  -  27th February 2010

A follow-up to this list from a year earlier; and an even better selection.

16)  Sometimes this is how it feels....  -  28th February 2010

You only post Gary Larson's 'God at his PC' cartoon when you've had a particularly bad day on the computer!

17)  Bon mot for the week  -  1st March 2010

Some of my own thoughts on depression (elaborated further in the comment). [Later, I try to cheer myself up with a bit of 'positive thinking'!!]

18)  Also Sprach Zarathustra (and other headbangs)  -  1st March 2010

Some recollections of my student days, and the records my friends and I used to use for hi-fi speaker tests.  (Unfortunately, the YouTube link I'd embedded to Japanese electronica wizard Isao Tomita's version of Also Sprach Zarathustra has died; I must try to find an alternative link.)

19)  The ultimate Boy Scout  -  5th March 2010

A brief introduction to China's 'model citizen', Lei Feng.

20)  List of the Month: Return of the Killer Factoids  -  6th March 2010

10 more autobiographical confessions you may little have suspected about me.

21)  If I were an AMPAS voter  -  7th March 2010

I correctly predict the winners in just about every one of the Oscar categories this year - but I don't necessarily agree with them all. I was particularly scornful of The Hurt Locker and Avatar, and disappointed that only the superb Christoph Waltz won something for Inglourious Basterds. This dissatisfaction with the whole Oscar fiasco later prompted me to write a list of all the nominated films I felt should have won the 'Best Picture' Award down the years (in two parts, here and here).

22)  When is an artist not an artist?  -  12th March 2010

When they're self-proclaimed, I say.  (Or perhaps when they're millionaires?)

23)  A new playbook for Chinese diplomats  -  19th March 2010

The latest outbreak of childish - and self-harming - petulance over "the Tibet issue" leads me to offer up suggestions for an alternative approach.

24)  Another great website idea  -  29th March 2010

THE COIN goes online! But then a discourager points out that someone has allegedly come up with a similar website already. No new thing under the sun?

25)  When NOT to join hands (War on Chinglish - 15)  -  30th March 2010

Another particularly common - and particularly risible - piece of Chinglish I am striving to eradicate.

26) Schrödinger's Cat in geopolitics  -  31st March 2010

Possibly my funniest, or at least oddest ever post title?

Dust

Moving day looms, so I have been packing today.  All day.   Despite having had an ayi in every few months to give the place a thorough clean (which, in China, usually means wiping everything with a damp rag, but not actually dusting or polishing anything in the way we know in the West), and despite attempting to clean up myself (including dusting, and hoovering) every month or so.... well, I find now that there are bits here and there that we've both missed pretty consistently for the last five-and-a-half years.    Actually, in Beijing the air is so dusty (and the tap water too, come to that - I'm not convinced that the Chinese approach to cleaning actually makes things any cleaner at all) that the place gets pretty damned filthy within only a few days.  After a week or two, you don't notice it getting that much worse.  After a month or so, you're tempted to leave it for 3 months, or 6 months before you have a proper clean-up.   Yes, things get pretty disgusting, but... a sense of hopelessness takes hold in the face of the relentless griminess of the Beijing environment.  There doesn't seem to be anything you can do to hold back the tide, so why bother?   I was reminded by my exertions today (and by the coughing, sneezing, and itching which have inevitably attended them) that the great Quentin Crisp once said: "There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse."   I can't remember which of his books that's from, and I just spent 20 minutes on the Web searching for it without success.  Ah well.     I suppose that should really have been my 'Bon mot for the week', but I'd already posted something else.  I've never taken to housework, and so this aphorism of Crisp's has a strong appeal for me.  But I have a streak of cleanliness and orderliness in me that rebels against the idea.  And I've seen friends who've lived like this, never cleaning for months, weeks, years - and the squalor they create is unspeakable.  And it does appear to keep getting worse year by year...   There are dark corners in my apartment where the dust - more grit and sludge, really - is over a quarter of an inch thick.  Ugh!

Favourite posts from the 3rd quarter of 2008

My Internet access was so disrupted during the last year that I fell out of the habit of providing quarterly rundowns of my favourite posts. I would generally produce such a list of recommendations 6 months on, but now we're 18 months behind. Never mind - it may be better this way, the longer perspective refining the judgement.

This was an especially prolific spell of blogging (what with the Olympics and all), so this may get to be quite a long list.

Here we go.



Pick of the Archive:

Favourite Posts, July-Sept. 2008


1) Chinese pronunciation classics - 2nd July 2008

Two hilarious examples of typical Chinese mispronunciation of English - really very, very funny. (And a little later there was another great one here; and an Olympic one here.)


2) List of the month - If I had a man-bag - 5th July 2008

I don't think I ever will get one of the dratted things, but if I did - it might be quite useful for carrying these daily essentials of Beijing life.


3) More Olympic "regulations" - 7th July 2008

I suffer a particularly daft example of the country's pre-Olympic anxiety.


4) My favourite book - The Wind In The Willows - 9th July 2008

An extended appreciation of my best-loved childhood read, reprinted from Moonrat's 'Celebrate Reading' Month.

5) The long arm of coincidence?? - 11th July 2008

I keep on bumping into people I know on Beijing subway trains. I mean, really, it happens a lot. This sets me off on a contemplation of the nature of coincidence and statistical probability.


6) My Fantasy Girlfriend - Daniela Hantuchova - 12th July 2008

My selection of the dazzlingly pretty Slovakian tennis player as my pin-up of the month is mainly an excuse to dilate further on my love of the game of tennis and my childhood recollections of the Wimbledon tournament.


7) A Classical Sunday - 13th July 2008

I offer my own translation of one of the best-known poems of the naughty Roman poet Catullus.


8) What the Chinese complain about - 19th July 2008

Via the online Wall Street Journal comes a pie-chart analysing what Chinese netizens most often gripe about. Quite enlightening, in a depressing sort of way.


9) A new 'game' for everyone - 19th July 2008

I publicize my new 'Misheard Song Lyrics' game from The Barstool with Annie Varner's superb video montage illustrating the 'lyrics' of Christina Aguilera's Ain't No Other Man.


10) Are we feeling "Olympic" enough yet?? - 21st July 2008

My bitter summary of everything our control-freak government is doing to try to ensure a "harmonious" Olympic Games in Beijing.


11) A question of taste - 22nd July 2008

During one of my voice-recording assignments I encounter this egregious example of Chinese bad taste. (Warning: Not for the faint-hearted.)

12) Let's talk about Security (1) - 28th July 2008

On the eve of the Olympics, I was much concerned with the city's security arrangements - or rather, the lack of them. There was lots of huffing-and-puffing and looking busy, but just about bugger-all that would actually make any of us safer. This was a topic I also considered here and here, and in this bon mot (and later, here and here and here). These misgivings proved sadly prescient when a mentally disturbed Chinese man murdered an American tourist on the opening day of the Games.


13) The chai Olympics - 5th August 2008

With the help of an artist friend, I create an image of the Olympic flag with chai (the Chinese character for 'demolish') inserted into each of the coloured rings. The wild property 'boom' in Beijing - chiefly characterised by poorly planned and largely unnecessary bulldozing of large sections of the old city, a wretched act of cultural desecration in the service of blind entrepreneurial greed - is what these Olympics should be chiefly remembered, and regretted, for in years to come.


14) What if they held an Olympics and nobody came? (1) - 6th August 2008

Bizarrely enough, that was what the Chinese government aimed for with the Beijing Olympics. Ridiculous visa restrictions and accidental-on-purpose foul-ups with ticketing meant that conventional tourism in the city dropped to almost zero this month.


15) List of the Month - that Opening Ceremony, huh?! - 12th August 2008

A jokey commentary on the highlights of the Olympic Opening Ceremony (as seen from a bar).


16) Olympics round-up - Week 1 - 15th August 2008

A rundown of the most interesting news stories and commentaries from the opening week of the Beijing Olympics.


17) The great mismatch: China & the "Olympic spirit" - 16th August 2008

My take on the great age-faking scandal in the women's (girls'!!) gymnastics. (There are follow-ups here and here.)


18) An Olympic Daily Llama - 22nd August 2008

A more humorous look back on the Olympics, via one of my frivolous 'Daily Llama' pictures.


19) Ping-pong's coming home! - 28th August 2008

Although I had earlier mocked Boris Johnson's sartorial shortcomings, I had to admit that his speech launching the London Olympic bandwagon was pretty damned funny, and added the YouTube clip of it.


20) Why pandas are going extinct - 30th August 2008

Because they're wusses! I reprint a very funny photo of panda timidity.


21) What was I expecting? - 31st August 2008

At the end of the month I sum up the reasons for my disappointment with the Beijing Olympics.


22) The weekly haiku - 5th September 2008

This one celebrates the sound of mah jong parlours, one of the favourite details of neighbourhood life that I savour when out jogging.


23) We need a new chant! 6th September 2008

An observation on Chinese sporting chants; or, rather, on the paucity of them.


24) Great job titles in the film industry - 11th September 2008

On watching Darren Aronofsky's excellent Requiem For A Dream again, I discovered that the credits included a Refrigerator Puppeteer. I had hoped to kick off a new 'collecting box' for similarly bizarre film credits, but this post has been sadly neglected thus far.


25) All that glisters is not gold - 13th September 2008

A final (well, not quite...) Olympic post on the issue of 'medal tallies' and rival approaches to comparing national team performances in the Games.


26) List of the Month - 10 Things To Love About Beijing - 13th September 2008

As a counter-balance to all of my Olympic curmudgeonliness, I offer a celebration of the best things about living in this city (and, incidentally, of reasons why Beijing is better than Shanghai).

27) China greets Paralympians - 15th September 2008

A very silly, very funny picture - from (now sadly defunct) FrostFireZoo.


28) Who are you calling a pussy? - 17th September 2008

My discovery of the - truly bizarre - Chinese transliteration of Michael Phelps' name prompts more observations on the shortcomings of the Chinese language and education system.


29) That Michael Phelps diet again - 18th September 2008

A photograph making fun of the extraordinary dietary regime of the phenomenal Olympic swimming champion (not for those with weak stomachs!).


30) The police & the law - 18th September 2008

A very funny but rather shocking true story: a journalist friend of mine loses his passport, and is reminded by a policeman of the difference in this country between what the law says and what it means in practice.


31) A missed opportunity: The Cornetto Torch - 19th September 2008

Rather belatedly, I come up with a brilliant Olympic marketing gimmick for Wall's ice cream.


32) Fingerlickin' good! - 25th September 2008

'Redneck Art' - a YouTube clip of someone doing a rather good finger-painting on a diner tablecloth..... in barbecue sauce!


33) Red sky at night - 26th September 2008

A photograph of a particularly beautiful sunset out of my kitchen window.


34) And another thing..... that bugs me about Chinese behaviour on the roads - 27th September 2008

I lose my patience with the murderously stupid propensity of Chinese cyclists to always try to cut corners.

35) Sacrilege - 27th September 2008

I have to say that, up close, I find Beijing's 'iconic' Olympic venues, the Bird's Nest and the Water Cube, to be severely unimpressive.


36) "Unffhh!" Jesus takes a hit! - 28th September 2008

Somehow or other I happen upon the you-won't-believe-it-but-it's-real http://www.catholicshopper.com, among whose stupendously kitsch highlights is this porcelain statuette of Jesus playing American football with a couple of young boys.

Favourite posts from the 3rd quarter of 2012

The highlights from my summer 'on the road'....

Pick of the Archives:

Favourite Posts, July-September 2012

1)  Barbecue memories - 6th July 2012

The weekly haiku in the week of American Independence Day (for which I was, happily, in America this year) revives a recollection of campfire cooking during my summer holidays as a child.

2)  Books I could read again and again  -  7th July 2012

A selection of special favourites, most of them dating back to my childhood.

3)  The heart of a sniper  -  14th July 2012

A synopsis of a long short story I wrote years ago, in Canada - kicking off a new 'Discarded Story Ideas' series.

4)  My Fantasy Girlfriend: Esperanza Spalding  -  21st July 2012

The happiest discovery of this year's American trip was this utterly gorgeous and superlatively talented young jazz musician - instant swoon.

5)  Dying by inches  -  23rd July 2012

A rather long post, in which an extraordinary set of travails I suffer in trying to get my computer to work reminds me of one of my most unpleasant videogaming experiences, way back in my student days.

6)  An Olympic curmudge  -  27th July 2012

No, I am not a fan of the bloody Olympics!

7)  "Helpfulness", Chinese university style  -  2nd August 2012

I receive a quite astoundingly obtuse - nonsensical - reply from one of the former employers I'd canvassed for possible help in applying for a new Chinese visa. Extremely annoying, but also hilarious.

8)  Rejecting the 'modern'  -  4th August 2012

An epic curmudge, in which I spurn, um, almost every major technological innovation of the last thirty years. Luddite? Moi?!

9)  Bon mot for the week  -  6th August 2012

One of my own, on writing - and superhero stories.

10)  A crazy plan  -  10th August 2012

I have dreams of walking home from China to the UK along the ancient 'Silk Road'. Alas, there are certain practical problems with this.

11)  My Fantasy Girlfriend: Gillian Duxbury  -  11th August 2012

Being back in the UK stirs nostalgic memories of one of the very first crushes of my childhood, a popular English glamour model of the 1970s. I am delighted to discover that she still looks rather stunning today.

12)  The cone of silence  -  13th August 2012

I discover that while in China I seem to have picked up the useful knack of not listening to people.

13)  And another thing: coffee shops!  -  14th August 2012

I remember that I HATE the ubiquity of coffee shops in the modern world even more than I hate worthless new technology.

14)  The Chinese worker in action  -  28th August 2012

Ah, back in Beijing! And it's just as crazy as ever!! (A collection of similar stories soon followed.)

15)  It's science, dude  -  7th September 2012

A really cool video of an astronaut on the International Space Station playing with a big globule of water in zero-gravity.

16)  Advice to would-be writers:

Part 1  -  8th September 2012

Part 2  -  12th September 2012

A final word  -  19th September 2012

Does exactly what it says on the label.

17)  You have got to be kidding me  -  19th September 2012

I make some surprising and disturbing discoveries about trends in baby naming in the United States.

18)  My Fantasy Girlfriend: Suzanne Vega  -  15th September 2012

Three of my favourite songs from the whipsmart and very lovely singer-songwriter: Blood Makes Noise, Tired Of Sleeping, and the (rather too sadly appropriate to my unrequitable crush) I'll Never Be Your Maggie May.

19)  What are days for?  -  16th September 2012

An online questionnaire prompts some deep thoughts - and gives me an excuse to post a bit of Philip Larkin.

20)  Now you see him, now you don't  -  17th September 2012

Some facetious commentary on the recent disappearance of China's leader-designate Xi Jinping - how could I resist?

21)  Some languages have a word for it - or do they?  -  22nd September 2012

During a meander around some of the intriguing foreign words/concepts discussed on the Internet, I am disappointed to find out that so many of them are hoaxes. (I did a couple of follow-up posts to this on Barstool Blues, here and here.)

22)  Goals and objectives  -  23rd September 2012

I obsess about my weight... and announce a plan to lose some... well, a lot.

23)  Life mirrors art  -  28th September 2012

I am struck by the coincidence that hit Danish TV drama Borgen, which began in 2010, centres on an improbably foxy female Prime Minister who leads a liberal coalition... and a year or so later we find that the Danish government is a liberal coalition led by an improbably foxy female Prime Minister. What is it about the Danes??

24)  More favourite film posters  -  29th September 2012

Seven great films, eight great posters. I added a supplement here on some of the striking promotional artwork for Quentin Tarantino's Reservoir Dogs.

And worse and worse and worse....

Yesterday, Blogger impetuously deleted all of my scheduled posts from here on Froogville. There were quite a lot of them, as I had spent several hours preparing in advance my 'Bon mot for the week' series for the rest of the year. And, of course, bloody Blogger has NO CUSTOMER FEEDBACK mechanism, so I can't get any help from them on this bizarre and evil glitch. All they have - which is just even more annoying - is an invitation to set up a BBS forum on your problem; since this is almost impossible for me to find my way back to, I am fairly damn certain that no-one else is going to see it or contribute a solution. [Still, I suppose it could have been even worse. During my summer vacation, I was sometimes preparing nearly all posts for a week or two ahead, to cover for periods of no Internet connectivity, including a bunch of music posts over on The Barstool - which sometimes take hours to compile, just for one post!]

Then my cable TV feed froze.

Now, Yahoo Mail has gone down (for quite an extended period, even though I'm now - finally - on my VPN, and thus getting a more stable, less interfered-with connection).

I have so much SHIT to deal with at the moment that I actually made a to-do list this morning (something I usually hate). Most of the items on it were complaints or fixing problems: three different banks and an international money transfer service and my VPN provider and Microsoft and Dell were due to be on the receiving end of my wrath. But all of that's rather on hold while I have no f***ing e-mail!

Oh yeah, and my printer just died.

Icing on the cake - we're suffering a late resurgence (hopefully a last gasp!) of the smoggy 90% humidity that blights most of the Beijing summer (but is usually dissipating by late August).... so, I haven't been able to sleep much either for the last few days. 

There's nothing for me to do at home, but it's too sweaty and polluted to think of setting foot outside. Oh, it's LOVELY to be back in Beijing, all right!!!

Bon mot for the week (century... millennium)

First they came for the Communists,
but I was not a Communist, so I did not speak out.
Then they came for the Socialists and the Trade Unionists,
but I was neither, so I did not speak out.
Then they came for the Jews,
but I was not a Jew, so I did not speak out.
And when they came for me,
there was no-one left to speak out for me.


Martin Niemöller (1892-1984)


These lines have always seemed particularly important to me, ever since I first heard them as a schoolboy of about ten - but particularly so at this time, living in this country now.

I stand corrected on the matter of the author here. I had always been led to believe that these words were spoken by Dietrich Bonhoeffer (1906-1945), and this is an attribution which seems to have gained primacy on the - not always so reliable - Internet. However, it would seem that they are more properly ascribed to Niemöller; although the exact text and provenance are shrouded in obscurity, it would seem that the famous 'poem' is derived from or inspired by one or more speeches that he made shortly after the War. Like Bonhoeffer, he had been one of the leaders of the Confessing Church, a dissident Protestant group that opposed Hitler; but unlike Bonhoeffer, he survived his wartime internment in the concentration camps. And his initial support of Hitler when he first came to power makes him a more ambivalent, somewhat tarnished figure - which is perhaps the reason why so many have preferred to associate these inspiring words with the martyred Bonhoeffer.

Favourite posts from the 2nd quarter of 2009 (Pt 2)

Continuing my round-up for April to June last year, which seemed to be a particularly rich period here on Froogville....

Pick of the Archive:

Favourite Posts, April-June 2009 (Part 2)

1)  Three timely bons mots  -  18th May 2009

The beginning of the annual Internet crackdown in the run-up to the anniversary of the 1989 Tiananmen 'incident' prompts me to post three wise observations on tyranny and censorship (plus another over on The Barstool).

2)  Answer the question! (War on Chinglish - 8a)  -  19th May 2009

Some advice on how to handle interview situations, such as the oral test in the IELTS English exam; including examples of what to say about James Cameron's Titanic.

3)  Chinese condom brands  -  19th May 2009

Hours of entertainment for the easily amused foreigner! (More of the same here and here.)

4)  Staring at the sun  -  24th May 2009

One of my Sunday cultural offerings: three favourite poems (one of them in Greek!) and a thematically related cartoon joke.

5)  Dark humour  -  27th May 2009

A couple of jokes about the Tiananmen crackdown (something of which one still cannot speak openly in China) led to a little more general philosophizing about the possible psychological underpinnings of 'bad taste' humour, how it serves as a necessary catharsis.

6)  Quiz - favourite film quotations  -  30th May 2009

A challenge to fellow film enthusiasts: 10 humorous (but hard-to-place!) lines from favourite films of mine.  [The answers are here, along with a clip of the marvellous closing scene from one of the films.]

7)  Why it matters  -  3rd June 2009

Perhaps my most impassioned post yet on the 6/4 anniversary (and the potent iconography of the 'Tank Man').  There was more (of course) on this topic here (a haiku) and here (a bon mot); but, to mark this 20th anniversary of the crackdown, I suspended both of my blogs for a week.

8)  Tiananmen anniversary roundup  -  12th June 2009

I return to blogging with an anthology of links to the most interesting articles I've found online about this year's Tiananmen anniversary - including this newly released photograph with a unique view of the 'Tank Man' incident, and Hillary Clinton's official statement on the anniversary.

9)  Avoiding the Square  -  13th June 2009

I didn't visit Tiananmen Square on the day of the anniversary this year.  Here are my reasons.

10)  Nuance  -  17th June

One of the oddest, subtlest ineptitudes in English I've yet encountered from a Chinese educational publisher...

11)  My Fantasy Girlfriend - Isabelle Huppert  -  20th June 2009

An appreciation of the gorgeous and talented French actress (inspired by the fact that this rather stunning exhibition of photographic portraits of her was visiting Beijing at this time), one of the earliest and most enduring of my cinematic crushes.

12)  Tell me WHY  -  22nd June 2009

 I wrap up my brief commentary on the latest depressing political campaign ("We can't possibly change because... we just can't, OK?") from the Chinese Communist Party with a clip of Bob Geldof (and Johnny Fingers) giving a wonderful live performance of the classic Boomtown Rats hit  I don't like Mondays.

13)  Censorship was never so SEXY!  -  24th June 2009

Ah, who now remembers 'Green Dam', the Chinese government's comically inept initiative to try make Internet filtering software compulsory on all computers bought in the country?  However, some of the online cartoons it gave rise to during its couple of months of being the No. 1 story in China were pretty amusing... and pretty raunchy.  This is my favourite: a manga babe policewoman in fascist uniform.... and bunny ears!

14)  Beijing landlords  -  28th June 2009

My decision to start househunting in the last week or two before I go on holiday was probably unwise...  Stress I could definitely do without!

15)  Baiting session  -  28th June 2009

I anticipate an opportunity to pillory the film director Lu Chuan (a talented guy, but also - according to most reports - a colossal arsehole... and he owes a friend of mine money!) at a screening of his new film, Nanjing! Najing! (City of Life and Death).  Alas, he doesn't show up.  However, this post is of more interest for the fact that one of my regular-ish commenters provoked me into an unrelated speculation in the comments on the likely future development of China - culturally and politically.  I probably ought to elevate this stuff to a post of its own some time.

16)  1729  -  29th June 2009

What????  Well, it's 'Ramanujan's number', you see. 

17)  Time to go  -  29th June 2009

China has been bugging me just a little too much over the past month or two - I am well overdue for a holiday. [Again, there's some rather interesting - not really related stuff - in the comments here.]

18)  Flu Corner  -  29th June 2009

My parting shot before I fly out to the States: a piece of whimsy on the raging 'bird flu' panic.