Tuesday, July 22, 2008

A question of taste

Yesterday in the studio.....

It's a better than average set of scripts we're recording this week. There are a lot of the tired old 'favourites', but a lot of newer stuff too; and much of it looks as if it is taken from authentic English sources - transcribed from radio programmes or lifted from newspapers.

Thus, I fear that the disturbing story of the young man who got his face eaten by his dog was probably true. (It was said that he had fallen asleep on his sofa, and that the dog - worried that he wouldn't wake up, or agitated at not having been fed on time - started biting him.) The account of the injuries was distressingly graphic, and really not at all in keeping with a textbook aimed at high school kids.

But what was even worse was the glib and jokey way the story was being discussed (it had been transposed into a dialogue between a boy and girl college student). It ended with the line: "I suppose he's looking forward to Halloween. Everyone will be wearing a mask then."

We were reading this on auto-pilot, without paying too much attention at first, but disgust and dismay started to overcome us by the mid-point, and when we reached this appalling finale, DD's and my jaws were on the table. We boggled at each other for a moment in disbelief, and then started haranguing the publishing company staff present at the session.

It seems we have in fact managed to persuade them to pull this episode from the books/tapes. A small but worthwhile victory.

But you have to wonder, How the hell did something like this make its way into a script in the first place? Who writes this stuff? Have they really got no sense of decency at all?

Monday, July 21, 2008

Are we feeling "Olympic" enough yet??

Less than three weeks to go now before the Olympics, and the craziness of the preparations ramps up each day.

Since the middle of last week, we've had dozens of police and militiamen milling about on the sidewalks of just about every major street in the northern half of the city. Does this enhance a visitor's sense of safety? NO. It just gives the (most unfortunate, highly misleading) impression that China is a police state.

Over the weekend, all the bars and restaurants around the Workers' Stadium were closed down - for the next two months. Three of the city's most popular live music venues - 13 Club, D-22, and The Stone Boat Bar - have been closed down since earlier this month (at least for music performances; failure to hold a type of permit that nobody previously knew existed was cited as the convenient excuse), and the other music bars are keeping their heads down and desperately hoping nobody 'notices' them. Another victim, reported by bar reviewer Beijing Boyce a few days ago, is Propaganda, a disco that's hugely popular with the foreign student set in Wudaokou (apparently they've decided to close down of their own volition, figuring that this would be an ideal time to get in a month or two of renovation work - yeah, right).

Most of the city's street food sellers seem to have been banished as well. I was hoping to grab a quick bite at lunchtime on Liudaokou (where I do most of my recording work); the little street is usually buzzing with activity, offering dozens of filling 'fast food' options for just a few kuai. Not today. It was deserted. Very sad. (And it's not as if any Olympic visitors are going to go anywhere near this place: it's not close to any of the venues, it's not on the way to anywhere; it's a shabby, inconspicuous, pothole-infested lane. But at least it had character; until the authorities decided that this was 'unharmonious'.)


The grass is green, the flowers are blooming, and even the weather has finally started to turn sunny again. Ah yes, and all the beggars and street hawkers have disappeared.


Oh my gosh, yes, Beijing is READY.

Well, I don't think the Olympic subway line is operating yet, but........

The Rise of the Machines

That editing job that looked as though it had vanished into the ether unexpectedly came back last week.

I was so annoyed that the silly girl at the publishing house had failed to courier it over to me on the day she'd said (OK, it was such a wretched day outside that I probably would have stayed in all day anyway, but..... it's the principle of the thing, damn it!) and had then become unconctactable for a week or more, that I very nearly told her where to shove it. But I need the money.

I didn't get a chance to look at it until the weekend. When I did so, I soon became even more annoyed (if such a thing were possible), because - a) it's not a textbook, as I had been told; and b) it's nearly twice as long as I had been told. Time to start complaining, and renegotiating the fee, I think.

On the plus side, it's actually a pretty easy job, since it's not a conventional edit at all: I don't have to re-write anything, just highlight (and occasionally, when I'm feeling generous, explain) all the mistakes.

On the minus side, it is mind-buggeringly tedious. It is about 200,000 words of computer-generated text - the same sentence patterns being repeated dozens of times with the same standard sequences of variations. Most of them are correct; most of the ones that are wrong, are egregiously so and leap off the page; it's only very occasionally that more detailed grammatical knowledge - or subjective aesthetic judgement - is called into play from me. Actually, the hardest part of it is staying alert to places where occasionally they've sneakily changed two things in a sentence type at the same time. And trying to maintain your will to live when they introduce a completely new sentence pattern every once in a while and, for just a few moments, you have to start paying full attention again. Once I got into the swing of it, I found I could scan 2 or 3 pages of this crap each minute - so I'm earning money at quite a tidy hourly rate. But there's still way too much of it for me to accept the whole job at the original fee.


The really spooky thing about this is that all of the sentences are about writing. In fact, most of them seem to be assessments of (or very vague comments or suggestions on) author submissions. ("Some minor problems in this piece are related to your punctuation. Please go over it again.")

Ye gods! This is nothing less than the automation of the publishing industry! Sinister. Very, very sinister.

I haven't got to the rejection slips yet - but I just know I'm going to run into a whole raft of them round about page 550.......

The weekly bon mot

"The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions."

Alfred Adler (1870-1937)


Saturday, July 19, 2008

A new 'game' for everyone

Earlier this week I started a new thread on my Barstool Blues blog, inviting readers to share with me their favourite misheard song lyrics.

I know, such things are easily overlooked amid the morass of other stuff I've posted, so I thought I would highlight it again.

My friend The British Cowboy refers me to a website called KissThisGuy, which specialises in recording amusingly misheard lyrics. So..... you can go there to find some inspiration, if you like; but really, I'd far rather you shared your own experiences with me.

However, I thought this might help to get your ideas kick-started - a brilliant analysis of the lyrics to Christina Aguilera's "Ain't No Other Man" (thanks to my blog-buddy 'Tolstoy' for finding this gem!), created by Annie Varner.




Annie (I think I'm in love!) has another similarly wonderful video here - a song apparently called "Silver and Cold" (should that be "Silver and Gold"??) by a band called AFI. This one includes such delights as "O my pitiful wombat" (presumably for "O my beautiful woman"), and "I'll beg her for Guinness" (I was, of course, reminded at once of my bar buddy, The Bookseller).

Enjoy.

Don't feel you have to top this. But do please share your own favourite Misheard Lyrics with me here.

What the Chinese complain about

I couldn't resist this - a marvellous graphic analysing what Chinese bloggers talk about. (I'm a little slow to pick up on this [via the regularly fascinating Imagethief]: it was on the Wall Street Journal's China blog last month.)

We self-centred and somewhat paranoid laowai are apt to suppose that Chinese bloggers spend 90% of their time bitching about us; but, hey, what do you know, they actually spend most of their time bitching about their own government!

I was - briefly - quite encouraged by this. But then I pondered the figures a little more closely. In a country where the government is as fucked up as this, having 25% of blog opinion devoted to criticism of it really isn't that much. Notice also that most of this criticism is only "implicit"; and just about none of it is directed at the leadership.

Still, it's nice to know that they're really not just having a go at us foreigners the whole time. As I
observed in one of my weekly bon mots some time ago: "We'd be a lot less worried what other people think about us if we realised how seldom they did."

All the 1's

Why??

Why not?! Does there always have to be a reason?


Well, OK, this image of the lunar surface is filed as
Frame 1111 in the Lunar Orbiter Photo Gallery of the Lunar and Planetary Institute (a division of the Universities Space Research Association).

And this is Post No. 1,111 on Froogville.

So, perhaps there is always a reason........

Friday, July 18, 2008

What will they think of next?

Yes, those endlessly inventive Japanese have now come up with square watermelons. Saves space in the fridge, don't you know? This is not a hoax.

I picked this up from the Wicked Thoughts blog back in April (go search the archives; unfortunately it doesn't seem to have links to individual posts) - another favourite time-waster, of late. Indeed, I suppose I should make it a 'Website of the Month' recommendation; but be warned: it is very profuse, and very addictive.

The weekly haiku

White haze and drizzle,
No reason to go outside:
Prisoner of the rain.


Yep, yet another dose of shitty weather in Beijing. Even more dispiriting after being treated to the almost forgotten delight of a few sunny days this week.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Today's great 'Chinglish' mispronunciation moment

During a role-play exercise on B2B complaining over the telephone.....

"I do not like this shit you have sent me. Nobody will wear this shit."

I correct: "These shirts. These shirts."

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Teachers wanted for Nanjing, China

Some Chinese business contacts of mine recently asked if I could help them find some teachers for a new school down in Nanjing.

It's a tough task - almost, I fear, hopeless.

A majority of the English teachers already working in China have been forced to leave over the summer by the introduction of paranoid new visa restrictions for the Olympics. Those that are still here are mostly tied into the jobs that helped them get their visas.

And recruitment from overseas? Well, that's going to be tough to arrange over the next month as well - but we're going to do our best.


Job details below. If any of you out there reading this happen to be ESOL teachers (or know people that are), please drop me a line.



4 or 5 English teachers are needed for a well-established school in Nanjing. They will be teaching on a new undergraduate foundation program to be established this year by a well-regarded college from the east coast of Canada. A TEFL/TESOL qualification is required, and some previous teaching experience is preferred. Any suitably qualified native English speakers will be considered, although North Americans are likely to be given preference. This sort of position might be especially attractive to recent graduates of an 'Oriental Studies' discipline who wish to get 1 or 2 years' experience of living in China and improve their Mandarin skills.

Nanjing is a medium-sized city (for China! Around 6 million.) on the Yangtze River, near the east coast. A former capital, it is an attractive and prosperous city, with many sites of historical interest. It still has a relatively small foreign population, compared to Beijing or (nearby) Shanghai.

The school has a well-equipped campus in the heart of downtown. It is one of the best-run ventures of this kind I have seen in China (I visited twice last year, when I was working for a British education company that had a partnership with it). There is an experienced foreign teacher running the academic side of things (almost unheard of in China!). Moreover, the Canadian college will provide an experienced teacher of its own to act as the Director of Studies overseeing this program.

The students will be young Chinese - teens or early-20s - looking to study overseas in Canada. Their initial English level is likely to be low intermediate (or pre-intermediate); but it is hoped they will be able to make rapid progress in an English immersion environment. Class size should be 15-20. No more than 20 contact hours per week.

The basic salary will be 8,000 RMB per month (c. USD 1,200, GBP 600: rather better than average for this kind of position; and the cost of living in Nanjing is lower than in Beijing or Shanghai). Free accommodation and other standard benefits will also be provided.

The initial contract duration will be 11.5 months, to run from mid-August this year to the end of July 2009. This period will include around 2 months of fully-paid holiday.

Please note that these positions need to be filled immediately: teaching will probably start early in September, but the Canadian partner college would like to provide orientation and induction training for teachers in the second half of August.

Wishful thinking

A little earlier this evening I saw a bi-lingual sticker across the rear windscreen of a car (one of the scary black Audis favoured by the cadres and their affluent business associates).

In English it said: "Considerate driving creates a good city image."

Ah yes, more Olympic propaganda!

This, I fear, is very much too little, too late. I haven't seen any other efforts at driver education here. And, as I have often remarked before (just trying searching for "Beijing+drivers" on here.... and maybe "homicidal"), Beijing has the worst drivers in China, probably in the world: no road sense, no car control, no awareness of what's going on around them, no regard for the traffic rules. It's every man for himself.

Other foreigners complain most of the undisciplined filtering right (and left) at major intersections, which often jams up the traffic flow in all four directions. My No 1 bugbear is the vice - which shows no sign of diminishing - of failing to slow down for (or, more often, actually accelerating aggressively towards) pedestrians attempting to cross the road.

How many visitors to Beijing next month will be killed on the roads? I'm afraid there will inevitably be some; possibly quite a lot.

Take care: it's a jungle out there.

Pre-Olympic progress in the fight against Chinglish

China has at last discovered the word 'proctology'! Perhaps we can now begin to hope that 'gynaecology' will soon be adopted into regular use too.

At least, in this area they have been talking about 'anus disease' for some years now; though I imagine, back in the 80s or early 90s, it would have been 'Butt Dept.' or 'Arse Ward'.


For some years now, we've been kept entertained in Beijing's public toilets by the colourful advertisements for the Dongda Anus and Intestine Diseases Hospital over on Dongdaqiao Lu. Many of us are still haunted by the image of a balding, middle-aged white guy grinning demonically out at you from the one of the early posters - and giving a huge thumbs up. Was he a patient celebrating an 'all clear', or a doctor demonstrating his examination technique? We hardly liked to speculate.

He was eventually replaced by a rather cute girl in a nurse's uniform. Well, cute - but for the fact that she was raising her right index finger dramatically skywards, and...... well, it was a small and not terribly well reproduced photo, but the tip of the finger did seem to be, er, oddly discoloured. Not nice.

The latest campaign (oh, how I wish now that I had taken pictures of the earlier ones to preserve them for posterity; but taking pictures in loos is such a dicey business....) has gone back to simply showing a picture of the hospital building. But NOW it's called the Dongda Proctology and Intestine Hospital.

Progress indeed.

Monday, July 14, 2008

It shouldn't happen to a Daily Llama....

It's shocking the indignity we humans inflict upon these noble creatures! I urge you all to send strongly-worded letters of outrage to your elected representatives.


Bon mot for the week

"Wit is educated insolence."

Aristotle (384-322 BCE)

Sunday, July 13, 2008

A Classical Sunday

It's been a long time - six months or more! - since I've posted any of my poetry. I've been in something of a creative slump this year...... and the number of entries under the 'Poetry (My Own)' tag has remained stuck at 49.

I'm not sure if this really counts, since it is only a translation, and a rather prosey one at that. It's all I can come up with at the moment.

I specialised in Classics at high school and in my first degree, and Catullus - the naughty one - was always a favourite of mine among the Roman poets.

Translations of this poem usually talk of counting 'kisses', but..... well, I believe there's a raunchier sub-text. Most of the 'Lesbia' poems are fairly bluntly about fucking, and I don't think this one is any different - it is only superficially more coyly romantic.

I have no way of knowing, but I fancy that the Latin word for 'kiss' could, in certain contexts, imply rather more, something rather cruder and more earthy; particularly, I suspect, with the oddly technical variant of the noun - basiatio: the process of kissing - that is used in the opening line. The French verb 'baiser', which is derived from this, carried such connotations, I believe, even in the time of Voltaire (I think I recall one or two places in Candide where it definitely seemed to be a little risqué); and today, I gather, it is considered thorougly impolite. Basia and basiationes should, I feel, carry something of the same weight; but I found it impossible to come up with an English word that is appropriately suggestive without being explicit; so I have chosen instead to leave the activity unspecified, to leave these words 'untranslated'. We all know what he's talking about.


Quaeris, quot mihi basiationes
tuae, Lesbia, sint satis superque.
quam magnus numerus Libyssae harenae
lasarpiciferis iacet Cyrenis
oraclum Iovis inter aestuosi
et Batti veteris sacrum sepulcrum;
aut, quam sidera multa, cum tacet nox,
furtivos hominum vident amores;
tam te basia multa basiare
vesano satis et super Catullo est,
quae nec pernumerare curiosi
possint nec mala fascinare lingua.

Gaius Valerius Catullus (ca. 84-54 BCE)



You ask me how many times
Will be enough to sate or surfeit me?
As many as the grains of sand
On the North African shore,
Or as many as the stars
That look down on the furtive trysts
Of lovers in the silence of the night.
Only so many
Can sate or surfeit your crazed Catullus:
A number so great
That no snoops can count it,
And no ill-wishing gossip
Can jinx us by repeating it.

Old school!

I have said that I find taxi drivers in Beijing to have been getting much better over the past few years.

But then.....

Yesterday I got one who epitomised all of the worst traits of Beijing taxi drivers that foreigners so love to complain of. It was not exactly a pleasant experience, but it did nevertheless prompt a fond little shiver of nostalgia for my early days here - when such ordeals were commonplace.

The interior of the cab was dusty and malodorous. Well, no, the cab driver was malodorous. Cab Driver No. 1772** had the kind of B.O. that could kill a horse.

The cab driver was chomping (on some kind of nut, I think) - open-mouthed, hugely NOISILY (I didn't dare to look, but it sounded as if slobber would be cascading over the chin).

To overcome this self-generated noise, the driver had the radio turned up full-blast.

The driver was also maintaining an almost continuous burble of heavily accented misanthropy, complaining about the behaviour of other drivers on the road, complaining about the price of fuel, complaining about the sullenly uncommunicative laowai in the passenger seat.

The driver's own road sense and car control skills left much to be desired.

The driver then changed tack rather, ditching the sour schizophrenic mumbling, and instead complimenting me extravagantly on my Chinese. Well, I think they were compliments. Highly inappropriate, since I hadn't said anything other than my destination (5 or 6 times) and, "I'm sorry, I don't speak Chinese."

Then, of course, the driver didn't have ANY change. Luckily I had a roll of one kuai notes on me.


Taxi driver No. 1772** is a woman. Incompetence, curmudgeonliness, and rustic manners are not the exclusive preserve of the male.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Another musical treat

Yes, I am still trying to make Spazz a star. I know there's a lot of this lip-syncing going on on YouTube these days, but this guy is the best of the best. Really.

I've posted the link to this before, but some of you are just too lazy to follow links. So, here's the video embedded. Bowie's Life on Mars. Awesome.

My Fantasy Girlfriend - Daniela Hantuchova

I confessed in my 'I love tennis' post a year ago that a large part of my burgeoning fascination with the game as a pre-teen probably had to do with the timeless appeal of cute young women in white mini-dresses.

I insist, however, that my weakness for players like the lovely Ms Hantuchova above, is not just about sex, it's about the way they play the game. Well, I can't honestly say that I've seen Daniela play very much (she always seems to crash out of Wimbledon in the early rounds, before I've really started paying attention), and perhaps I delude myself because she is so gosh-darned pretty, but..... I like to believe that her style of play harks back to an earlier era, when the women's game was characterized more by accuracy than brute power, by variety of shot-making rather than brute power, by nimbleness around the court rather than brute power.

At some point in the mid- or late 70s, we suffered the 'Big Shoulders' Event Horizon. The sexiest player of that era was the sultry Argentinian, Gabriela Sabatini. When the dauntingly man-like Martina Navratilova came on the scene and started winning everything, many of the other ladies started working out manically to try to redress the power gap that had suddenly opened up. Gaby developed really big shoulders, seemingly overnight; really big shoulders are just not attractive in a woman, I find. That was a very sad day in my teenage life.

At least Navratilova deserves some credit for injecting a serve-and-volley element into the women's game. The other gym-junkies who tried to keep up with her became even more anchored to the baseline. Long baseline rallies can sometimes have moments of greatness; but when that's all there is to the game, it can get a little dull. There were a few exceptions in the 70s and 80s: Evonne Goolagong and Hana Mandlikova thrilled with the impetuous creativity of their all-court game. I remember Hana humbled Navratilova in a Wimbledon quarter-final or semi-final one year in the early 80s, running her ragged with an exquisite collection of improvised lobs and drop-shots.

Is the Slovakian beauty the inheritor of that thrilling tradition? Well, perhaps not. But a man can dream.

She is, I think, the best-looking player around today (although there are quite a few rather appealing Eastern European lasses on the circuit just now). She's very tall (nearly 5'11", according to most of the fan sites; 6', according to one of them!). She has the most amazing legs. And I gather she's also a pretty smart cookie - managed to finish high school with excellent grades, despite the tennis career, and was offered a place at a leading Slovakian university. And she's an accomplished classical pianist!

You see, I don't go just for looks.

Although it has to be said that she does 'scrub up well' in evening dress.

And she does have the most ridiculously pretty eyes.


Now, if only she could get her game together enough to start winning a few tournaments.....

Friday, July 11, 2008

The long arm of coincidence??

What exactly are the odds against meeting someone you know on the subway?


Not just in the vicinity of a station, passing in opposite directions on the stairs, milling through the ticket hall, or glimpsing someone at the far end of the platform - but actually finding someone you know standing (or sitting) in the same portion of the same carriage of the same train??

It happened to me again just last night: I bumped into a nice young German chap (Ben the Jerry) who hangs out in my 'second home', The Pool Bar, quite a bit. I hadn't seen him around for a while; it transpires he's just got back from a few weeks holiday in south and west China. It was good to see him again.

Now, I know Beijing still doesn't have all that many subway lines and stations (only 4 lines, so far, though another - serving the Olympic venues on the north side of town - is due to open any day now). And the number of us laowai using them is disproportionately high (the 2 kuai fare is risibly little to us, but the majority of Chinese - even white-collar workers - still enjoy next-to-no disposable income and are thus obsessively thrifty: the subway is 5 times more expensive than the bus, so about 80% fewer people use it). And, yes, yes, I do know a heck of a lot of people here.

But that still doesn't quite account for it.

I run into people I know almost every week on the subway. In fact, last night was the third time it's happened this month. I've run into all sorts of people: Chinese friends and foreign friends alike; former students, business associates, bar cronies, and fellow teachers. I think, at one time or another, I've run into almost everyone I know here on a subway train somewhere. And I don't even use the subway all that often! Like many of my 'affluent' foreign friends, I have become more and more a taxi kind of guy. Am I really giving myself such a high exposure to the population of my address book with just 20 or 30 subway journeys (at the very most) each month??

Is this really just one of those odd cognitive phenomena whereby our minds exaggerate the frequency and significance of accumulated coincidences?? Does anyone have a more thorough explanation they could offer??


The number of these encounters seems far too many to me to be explained away as a mere coincidence - even if boosted to the max by a random statistical blip. Your thoughts???

More snack innovation

I have just discovered that Lay's have introduced a 'Sichuan spice' flavour crisp ('potato chip', if you must).

My friend and recording partner, DD, has lately become pitifully addicted to the super-spicy Sichuan speciality, la zi ji - sometimes eating it two or three times a week, and, on at least one occasion, going to a restaurant with a friend and ordering a whole dish of this each. Quite unfathomable to me!

I have been beginning to think that maybe an 'intervention' is in order. This ain't right, it ain't natural, it ain't good for her - it ain't good for the social life (it's becoming impossible to lure her into going to any other sort of restaurant!).

I don't know if I dare tell her about these new crisps. Will they inflame her obsession even more? Or could they perhaps serve the office of nicotine chewing gum, and help to wean her off her excessive attachment to fiery Sichuan chicken??

Oh, the responsibility! I may have to flip a coin.

Weekly haiku

Constant discomfort
Clothes are always soaking wet
Either rain or sweat


I still can't quite believe how relentlessly unpleasant this summer has been....

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Chinese publishers annoy me yet AGAIN......

This time, I accepted the job.

It's a publisher I've worked with a couple of times before recently (though a different contact). And, unlike the woefully bad academic treatise I turned down on Monday, this would have been an EFL textbook. Lots of pictures. Quite a few largely blank or wholly blank pages. More than half of the text in Chinese (and so, not my concern - yay!). The English very simple, and often repeated several times.

Yep, this was only a 1,500 RMB fee, and the book was slightly larger than that dratted tourism study in number of pages - but it should be barely a tenth as much text, and much higher quality. Basically just a proof-reading job, no major re-writes. For a job like this, the fee is really not too bad at all.

The girl at the publishing house told me on Tuesday that she'd send the manuscript (it's always hard-copy for proofing here) over to my place by courier on Wednesday. I sent her a text message querying whether the courier company would be coming in the morning or the afternoon (that's as much of a guide as you can get from a Chinese courier company). She didn't respond. I tried phoning her. She didn't answer. She didn't call me back. I stayed in almost all day waiting for the courier - who, of course, never came. I tried phoning the publisher girl again the next day, to see if there had been a change of plan. She's ignoring my calls.

I guess she decided to use someone else. Or maybe she decided the book didn't need proofing. Or maybe she decided that the book probably did need proofing, but that none of her superiors would notice if it wasn't, so there was really no obstacle to her keeping the proof-reading fee for herself.

Probably we shall never know......

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

My favourite book - The Wind In The Willows

A week or so ago, I did a guest post for my blog-friend, Moonrat, as part of her 'Celebrate Reading' Month. The original post is here, if you want to go and check out the comments (and add one of your own) - but I thought I'd reprint it here on Froogville (because I'm feeling lazy today....).


********************************

Darn, this is a tough challenge our Moonie has set us! It seems invidious, impossible to choose just one book to celebrate from a lifetime's reading.

I'd already reviewed a couple of my special favourites over on The BookBook - LIFE IN A SCOTCH SITTING-ROOM, Vol. 2 by Ivor Cutler and THE THIRD POLICEMAN by Flann O'Brien - so I felt I ought to omit them from consideration here.

I've always had a weakness for the 19th Century classics, and so was sorely tempted to go for one of those - but a little daunted, too, somewhat constrained by a sense of unworthiness. If you really pin me down on what I think is the best book ever written, I have to say ANNA KARENINA; but I don't think I could begin to do it justice. I considered also some of the other great books from that period - and from that period of my life, my most prolific spell of reading, my last years at high school - MADAME BOVARY, SCARLET & BLACK, THERESE RAQUIN, A SENTIMENTAL EDUCATION, CRIME & PUNISHMENT, GREAT EXPECTATIONS, PRIDE & PREJUDICE. Prior to that, I'd had a brief, intense love affair with Melville and Conrad (I dreamed of running away to sea, until I discovered there were no tall ships any more): BILLY BUDD, MOBY DICK, LORD JIM, NOSTROMO, THE SECRET AGENT. Then there were the American greats that I mostly discovered just a bit later: THE GREAT GATSBY, AS I LAY DYING, TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD. And then there were all those more contemporary, more oddball, more risqué bestsellers, many known to me for years only as unfathomable titles from my elder brother's bookshelf: ZEN AND THE ART OF MOTORCYCLE MAINTENANCE, ON THE ROAD, JONATHAN LIVINGSTONE SEAGULL, CATCH-22 (JES has done that one for us now - thanks), LOLITA (God, I hope someone chooses to review LOLITA!), PORTNOY'S COMPLAINT, FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS, SLAUGHTERHOUSE 5.

I even contemplated, as more obscure possibilities, a couple of books that I'd loved using in class when I was, briefly, a schoolteacher in the early years of my working life, two of the greatest adventure novels ever written: ROGUE MALE by Geoffrey Household and THE TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE by B. Traven.

And the 'big three' I was focusing on for a long time - three books that really stimulated me with their ideas, haunted me with their bleakness, turned on its head my conception of what a novel could be - were CAT'S CRADLE, NINETEEN EIGHTY-FOUR, and THE TRIAL.

But you know what? They're all a bit serious, aren't they? Maybe even a bit pretentious? And I'm sure if MR repeats her 'Celebrate Reading' festival once or twice a year from now on, before too long somebody else will cover all of these.

First thoughts are usually best. When MR approached me to ask if I wanted to contribute to this series a month ago, my initial response was, "Oh, I suppose I could do THE WIND IN THE WILLOWS." So be it.

I can't now recall if this was part of the brief MR gave us, but most contributors so far seem to have chosen something that had a big impact on their life, and most particularly on their development as a reader. I'm going way back here. THE WIND IN THE WILLOWS was the first proper book (other than picturebooks and learn-to-read primers) that I can remember my mother reading to me. Though I can't distinctly recollect the very first time I heard it, it was already a familiar story that I was demanding to have read to me again by the time I was 4 or 5 years old. By the time I was 7 or 8 it had become one of the first proper books that I read for myself. It is almost certainly the book that I have re-read most often. It is one of the few books - the only children's book, I think - that I continue to re-read to this day, once every few years or so.

It is also one of the few books from that distant era of my life that I have jealously preserved (although, alas, it is now in storage with a friend; I don't have it here with me in China, and I'm missing it). Even in my childhood, there was a hallowed air of antiquity about this volume: it was a soft-cover paperback of at least '50s vintage, perhaps considerably earlier (I rather suspect, but can't now verify, that it was in fact a '30s edition from my mother's own childhood), the pages yellowed and slightly musty-smelling, desiccated and crisp to the touch. The feel of that book in my hands, and all the memories of home and family and childhood tied up in it are much of the reason that I love it so.

It is some time since I last read it, and I'm not able to consult it now to refresh my memory. I suppose I've never really read it critically, but more for the nostalgia-wallow it induces. I can't really say if it is especially well-written, or if it is a particularly good children's book. It is, however, an undeniably captivating story, one which has stood the test of time (gosh, this year is the centenary!). There is suspense and adventure and plenty of broad humour and the quirky charm of anthropmorphized animals; but it is also a surprisingly adult story: these are adult characters in an adult world, dealing with very adult problems (addictive behaviour, debt, criminal charges, lost children). Children, I always felt, made very dull and irritating protagonists for children's stories; this was much more satisfying.

Above all, the book is - and this, of course, is a prime interest of our beloved Moonrat - the most marvellous celebration of friendship. (Indeed, cynics may carp at the closeness of the affection between Ratty and Mole, suggesting that it smacks of a romantic or sexual attachment; and at least one stage version I've seen transforms the houseproud Mole into a female character, to play up on that tension more openly.) Toad is really not a very nice character: he's pompous, vain, deceitful, undisciplined. Although he does have his more winning qualities - a certain buffoonish charm, a childlike innocence, an acute vulnerability - that earn him endless forgiveness from his long-suffering associates, it's rather difficult to comprehend how they became friends. Yet friends they are, and however much the irresponsible Toad strains that friendship, they loyally stand by him. It is the most touching and inspiring template of male camaraderie I've ever encountered (though the central relationship between Ratty and Mole is a purer, less morally challenging representation of the ideal).

Other key elements of the book's lasting hold on me are: the idyllic picture of rural life, and particularly of a life of leisure on the river ("There is nothing - absolutely NOTHING - half so much fun as simply messing about in boats," as the Water Rat famously says; I did not learn the overwhelming truth of this adage until I discovered the joys of punting as an undergraduate at Oxford years later); the stark counterpoint of the scary darkness in other areas of life (the depiction of The Wild Wood is utterly, ravishingly terrifying to a small child); the poignancy of a lost world of innocence (I didn't realise this until much later, but the ease and tranquility of the life shown on the riverbank is found also in much of Edwardian literature: it's hard now not to bridle at the naivety of such carefree idylls, not to sense the latent tragedy of the looming World War somewhere between the lines); the finely balanced tension between the allure of a life of travel and adventure on 'the open road' (most powerfully seen in the episode where Ratty meets The Wayfarer, a vagabond sea rat who briefly seduces him with his glamorous tales of world travel) and the comforting familiarity of home (the 'Dulce Domum' chapter, where Mole finally returns to his own house after a long absence, regularly used to make me cry, and probably still would); and, of course, the greatest picnic scene in literature (with the comprehensive list of foods provided rendered stream-of-consciousness style as a single, irresistible word).

I worry, though, if this is perhaps too much of a "man's book". All of the main characters are men. Indeed, all of the main characters are lifelong bachelors. We do get a few glimpses of the cosy domesticity of wife and family as an alternate ideal, but our heroes seem quite happy as they are. Theirs is a world almost entirely without responsibilities, a world of pure leisure. That is certainly the key to the book's fascination for me; but I do get a little concerned sometimes as to how much this may have influenced - corrupted - the course of my adult life. Here I am, approaching middle age still a bachelor, and - despite occasional pangs of dissatisfaction with this status - the dominant obsession of my life is always wondering when I'll be able to get out on the river again.

A micro-anecdote to close. Around the time I first came to know this book - the age of 3 or 4, I guess - there was a 'Wild Wood' which my mother would often take me to for a walk. The wood seemed huge and dark and threatening, and I wouldn't have dared to set foot in it alone. Accompanied by Mum or Dad, I could contain my fear, play with it, savour it. That was a big expedition for me back then. The wood was miles away, across an endless field of corn that stood higher than my head. I returned to that spot ten years ago, for the first time since my childhood. The cornfield, of course, was of a fairly regular size, not limitless as the Russian steppes; and it grew only waist-high, at most. The 'Wild Wood' that had overwhelmed my senses as a small boy was a simple copse of only half a dozen or so trees. The world is so very different when you're 3ft tall.

And yes, I'm still waiting for my t-shirt, MR.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

The best name for a bar? (New Competition on The Barstool!!)

Over on the Barstool, I have just instituted another new competition for my readers - I invite you to tell me your favourite ever name for a bar (whether an actual bar, or a name you've just made up; a name for bar here in Beijing, or anywhere else in the world).

I look forward to hearing your suggestions.