Favourite posts from the 2nd quarter of 2012

A rundown of highlights from earlier in the year...

Pick of the Archives:

Favourite Posts, April-June 2012

1)  Bon mot for the week  -  2nd April 2012

One of my own, and one of my best.

2)  Inadvertent Truths 1 & 2  -  4th April 2012

I seem to find telling little observations about China everywhere.

3)  If only it did mean that  -  6th April 2012

I indulge in some etymological frippery again.

4)  More futility  -  12th April 2012

I am particularly exasperated with this year's English assessments at Xinhua News - which take ineptitude of test design and implementation to new depths. (Still, at least we got a few compensatory laughs out of it.)

5)  Haiku for the week  -  13th April 2012

A poignant observation on my looming departure from Beijing, drawing parallels with a faltering love affair.

6)  Your lupins or your life!  -  14th April 2012

A brief spasm of renewed interest in my Invent a band name thread over on The Barstool eventually produced its 200th comment contribution. The 'winning' suggestion was a Chinese phrase that means 'righteous bandits' - and that prompted me to dig out one of my favourite Monty Python skits to post, the ballad of the well-intentioned but inept highwayman Dennis Moore.

7)  Illegal Alien  -  19th April 2012

An extended piece on the difficulties of obtaining Chinese visas.

8)  More found humour  -  24th April 2012

I have to use a Chinese map for the first time in ages; and it provides me with a good belly laugh.

9)  The genie won't go back in the bottle  -  26th April 2012

Another of my longer and more serious pieces, this time on the impact of Sina Weibo, China's hugely popular micro-blogging service.

10)  Striking a balance  -  27th April 2012

I fret over whether my writing is sometimes too verbose; but at least I've found a wonderful cartoon to illustrate the eternal dilemma between comprehensiveness and conciseness.

11)  Another Film Quotations Quiz  -  28th April 2012

Another little end-of-the-month trivia challenge for my readers; rather easier this time, I thought.

12)  Another incisive suggestion from the think tank  -  30th April 2012

My work for a leading international relations think tank regularly furnishes topics for me to gripe about: here, Chinese superstition, China's 'soft power' agenda, China's relations with Africa - and stupidity in general.

13)  List of the Month: unanswered questions about the Titanic  -  5th May 2012

The recent centenary of the Titanic's sinking led me to read Walter Lord's famous account of the disaster, A Night To Remember... and then to start obsessing about all the points that he didn't really cover. This post grew into a monster, with several updates and emendations, and further discussion in the comments.

14)  My Fantasy Girlfriend: Liz Phair  -  12th May 2012

The raunchy rock chick is particularly closely associated in my mind with China, since a taped copy of her fabulous debut album Exile In Guyville accompanied me on my first visit here in the 1990s. Here, I post a couple of the best songs from that album.

15)  Haiku for the week  -  18th May 2012

Contemplating my imminent departure, I remember a useful Italian proverb, and comment on why I - and so many other people - are giving up on China.

16)  When is a gunboat not a gunboat?  -  18th May 2012

A particularly lunatic pronouncement on the Scarborough Shoal standoff by a Chinese "international security expert" prompts me to recall a favourite cartoon from Punch in the 1970s. At least I'm trying to retain my sense of humour!

17)  I feel FREE!  -  19th May 2012

Delirious with relief at the prospect of my escape from China, I celebrate with Cream's finest moment - and Pete & Dud's finest moment.

18)  Yang Rui takes a crazy pill  -  21st May 2012

Just as I'm leaving, an odious Chinese TV 'personality' ramps up the xenophobia levels here with an obscenely hateful microblog outburst. I lobby (vainly, alas) for his dismissal.

19)  "Possible", but difficult  -  22nd May 2012

The story of one's life in China for a foreigner! I try applying for a credit card - just for the thrill of rejection.

20)  Haiku for the week  -  25th May 2012

I have a Hello, Darkness, my old friend moment upon arrival back in England.

21)  I thought you were dead!  -  25th May 2012

Why - and HOW - is Carl Jung paying me money??

22)  Six Sigma in the toilet  -  31st May 2012

Even now I'm escaped from China, crazy stories from there keep following me around. (Another one here!)

23)  Hong Kong still remembers  -  6th June 2012

This year's post on the anniversary of the 1989 Tiananmen protests.

24)  The weekly haiku  -  8th June 2012

I find myself overwhelmed by my reacquaintance with the colour green. (I soon wrote about further reasons why I found myself enchanted to be back in England.)

25)  Farewell, dear friend  -  8th June 2012

A brief obituary for my blog friend Tony Brooks, recently deceased.

26)  Haiku for the week  -  15th June 2012

An unusually soul-baring little post: my excitement about the upcoming European Football Championship (in which I felt England had a chance - ah, foolish optimism!) is undercut by some morbid reflections on the dangers of nostalgia.

27)  Looking at things differently  -  18th June 2012

After years of vain searching, I finally unearth one of my favourite cartoons to share with you.

28)  Vilnius calling  -  21st June 2012

Lithuania seems to be one of the likeliest locations for my next spell of expattery. The vibrancy of the local music scene is amongst its many attractions.

29)  The Fantasy Girlfriend 'Football Team'  -  23rd June 2012

In keeping with the football theme of the moment, I come up with a squad of 12 of the lovely young actresses who captivated my heart during my childhood in the 1970s.

30)  Haiku for the week  -  29th June 2012

A hymn of praise to ceiling fans.

Hitler vs. The Daily Llama

A couple of weeks ago, I stumbled upon Youtube user TheSilverUniverse, who has created a number of amusing short videos by splicing together bits of Downfall (what a genre that has become!!), including an improbable Raiders of the Lost Ark-style series called Hitler's Llama Priest. Here's Episode 1.

Bon mot for the week

"A gardener does not 'grow' flowers; he tries to give them what he thinks they need and they grow by themselves."

John Holt (1923-1985)

We've heard from Mr Holt in this series before (here and here), and we might again. He was a pioneering educator whose writing became a major influence on me in my childhood and in my early teaching career. Here, of course, he was thinking of gardening as a metaphor for teaching.

My Fantasy Girlfriend - Nina Simone

I've commented a number of times before on my propensity to fall in love with a woman's voice, especially a fine singing voice. And since this might be the last entry in my 'Fantasy Girlfriends' series (or the last but one), I thought it was about time I honoured the singer whom I have admired more than any other.

Nina Simone was hardly classically beautiful, not the obvious head-turner that so many of my more superficial choices in this series have been. But damn, she had character - a ferocious intelligence, a devilish sense of humour, an utter intolerance of bullshit, courage, determination, and an impassioned commitment to the American civil rights cause and more generally to the ideals of equality and social justice for all. It's the personality that enraptures me rather than her looks. And the talent, of course. As well as that astonishingly rich and passionate voice, she was a classically trained pianist, and tried to fuse classical elements like the formal intricacy of her beloved Bach with her jazz playing.

I don't think I've ever heard a Nina Simone performance - any performance of any song - that didn't leave me slack-jawed and weak-kneed with admiration and delight. Now that there's such a profusion of her work becoming available online, I can lose myself on Youtube for days at a time.

Here are a just a few favourites....

First of all, a glimpse of her political side in the brief interview accompanying these performances of Revolution and Strange Fruit.

Second, a rare early performance of one of the most famous of her own compositions, Mississippi Goddamn - another scathing comment on the civil rights struggle.

And finally, something rather more upbeat - the Anthony Newley/Leslie Bricusse song Feeling Good.

Of course, I've posted about Nina on here once before, with a clip of her coruscating performance of I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel To Be Free from the 1976 Montreux Jazz Festival.
And I'm going to post one of her love songs, He Needs Me, over on The Barstool today as well.

What's in a name?

I am planning to be down in the pleasant coastal city of Xiamen (known to some as Amoy) at New Year, and have been shopping around on Ctrip for a suitable hotel to stay in.

I am tempted by the Smart Hero Club - who wouldn't be?

The Losing Hotel, on the other hand, projects a rather pessimistic aura. In this period of economic slowdown, I feel more in need of the flamboyant positivity exuded by the Megaboom Business Hotel.

Decisions, decisions.

Haiku for the week

Speed, danger, and noise;

Smells of oil, rubber, metal.

Modern gladiators.

I happen to be down in Hong Kong for the week of the Macau GP. One of my unexpected vices is that I am a bit of a petrolhead, have been a motor racing fan since childhood. The Macau event is one of the most famous in the world, held on a twisty street circuit similar to Monaco. I've been wanting to go for years - and, finally, I am realising my dream.

I'll probably be deaf by Monday.

The TV Listings (13)

A rundown of my video postings during the second quarter of this year (or so - I think in fact I'll go up to the end of July). Lots of good stuff this year.

The Comedy/Movie Channel

The wisdom of Swiss Toni - a classic example of the tortured sexual metaphors which are the stock-in-trade of the secondhand car dealer and would-be Lothario, one of the great comedy creations of Charlie Higson in BBC2 skit series The Fast Show.

"Your lupins or your life!" - bumbling highwayman Dennis Moore, one of my favourite ever bits of Python.

Rab C. Nesbitt - Gregor Fisher's belligerent Glasgow drunk accosted for a vox pop interview on the street; possibly the character's first ever appearance, in BBC2 skit show Naked Video.

A seasonal drink - flamboyant Russian cocktail maestro Bek Narzi mixes up something special for May Day.

The Leaping Order of St Beryl - comedy genius from Peter Cook and Dudley Moore: trampolining nuns! (Posted together with Cream's I Feel Free - see below, under Music.)

Bright College Days - one of my favourite Lehrer songs. (Also below, under Music.)

One Thing On Your Mind - a Country & Western pastiche by Neil Innes, from his marvellous 1970s BBC2 show The Innes Book of Records. (Also below, under Music.)

An artist in the Arctic - an appeal for funding assistance from my e-penpal Cedra Wood.

Saturday afternoon is football - this is the finest hour of Ron Manager, a parody of the bumbling TV sports pundit created by The Fast Show's Paul Whitehouse: a poignant evocation of the special place that football holds in the hearts of most Englishmen who grew up in the 1970s. (Teamed with the Match of the Day theme music. Also below, under Music and Sports.)

Floyd On Food - the bibulous gastronome, latest of my 'Unsuitable Role Models', was my favourite TV chef. My brief appreciation of the man includes a couple of clips of him in action, cooking up a beef casserole and mixing a fruity cocktail. (See also below, under Music, for his show's theme song, The Stranglers' Waltzinblack.)

The Music Channel

Big Rock Candy Mountains - a 1930s hobo song by Harry "Haywire Mac" McClintock.

I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked - a marvellous lust song by Norwegian bombshell Ida Maria.

A cheesy 'Top Five' - the songs I find myself most missing from the playlist of my bar owner friend JK, returned to his home in Oz: Kokomo by The Beach Boys, America Sucks! by GrimSkunk (OK, not cheesy, this one; just a fun bit of Yank-bashing from the Canadian punksters), One Night In Bangkok by Murray Head, Escape (The Pina Colada Song) by Rupert Holmes, and Frontier Psychiatrist by The Avalanches.

Never Said and Divorce Song - two great tracks from Exile In Guyville, the superb debut album by Liz Phair, my 'Fantasy Girlfriend' for May.

Song of the Mariachi - for Cinco de Mayo, I post Antonio Banderas and Los Lobos singing the theme to Robert Rodriguez's Desperado.

Teo Torriatte - Queen's anthemic love song, with a chorus in Japanese!

I Feel Free - Cream's song seems irresistibly appropriate for celebrating my imminent ESCAPE from China. (Also: a marvellous skit by Peter Cook and Dudley Moore - see above, under Comedy.)

The Parting Glass - the poignant Scots/Irish farewell song, in a beautiful a cappella version by Canadian girl band The Wailing Jennys.

Bright College Days - Tom Lehrer's celebration of university life seems appropriate, as I am returning to Oxford to hook up with some old friends. Audio only, alas. (Also above, under Comedy.)

One Thing On Your Mind - a Country & Western pastiche by Neil Innes, from his marvellous 1970s BBC2 show The Innes Book of Records. (Also above, under Comedy.)

Top Five 'Hoopy' Basslines - a selection where the bass playing is a bit more complex and virtuosic: Led Zep's Bring It On Home, The Who's My Generation, Aerosmith's Sweet Emotion, PIL's Public Image, Joni Mitchell's Coyote (with the great Jaco Pastorius on bass), and in the top spot, Paul Simon's You Can Call Me Al (Bakithi Khumalo on bass).

'Vilnius Temperature' - two of the best instalments from young film-maker Saunias Baradinskas' fascinating series on the music scene in the Lithuanian capital: Purple Haze/Shut De Door by Garbonitas Bosistas, and Energy by Saulės Kliošas (whose lead singer, Justė Starinskaitė, is utterly gorgeous).

Last call - two great songs about the closing of the bar (and the romantic opportunities sometimes coinciding with that!): Semisonic's Closing Time and Tom Waits's I Hope That I Don't Fall In Love With You.

Match of the Day - the theme music from the BBC's much-loved Saturday night football highlights show. (Teamed with a beautiful monologue by Ron Manager. Also above, under Comedy, and below, under Sport.)

Time Is Tight - a superb live performance of one of their signature instrumentals by Booker T. and The M.G.s (headline band Creedence Clearwater Revival can be glimpsed watching from the side of the stage, open-mouthed in admiration).

Hail to the Duck! - a tribute to Donald 'Duck' Dunn, bass player with Booker T. and The M.G.s, who had recently died at the age of 70: five of his greatest basslines - Raise Your Hand (Eddie Floyd), Gimme Some Lovin' (Sam & Dave), Can't Turn You Loose (Otis Redding), Soul Limbo (Booker T. and The M.G.s), and Soul Man (Sam & Dave again).

Mad Dogs And Englishmen - I always think of this Noel Coward classic when I go out running in the midday sun.

Little Fly - an example of the remarkable singing and bass playing of rising jazz star Esperanza Spalding, my 'Fantasy Girlfriend' of the month.

Drinking Song - a traditional Mongolian party song that has become a regular highlight of the show for Beijing-based folk-rockers Hanggai. Two live versions here, one of them accompanied by Basque band La Pegatina when they visited Beijing in 2011.

Waltzinblack - The Stranglers' demented instrumental was the theme tune for the late, great Keith Floyd's wonderful TV cookery shows. (See also above, under Comedy/Movies.)

The Sports Channel

England's finest moments - to try to invoke some good fortune for the national side in the upcoming 2012 European Championships I dug up two glorious highlights from our oh-so-near run in the 1996 tournament: Paul Gascoigne's stunning goal against Scotland, and our 4-1 demolition of the Dutch.

The old and the new - more nostalgia/optimism about English football: juxtaposed highlights of Paul Gascoigne and Danny Welbeck.

Match of the Day - the very first use of the iconic theme tune for the BBC1 Saturday evening football show that was a centrepiece of my 1970s childhood. (Also above, under Music.)

Bon mot for the week

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."

Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

List of the Month - T'ai Chi forms for the new century

I've long been interested in t'ai chi. Well, I think the fascination began back in the early '90s, when I saw an early morning exercise programme on British TV with the beguiling title Stand Still, Be Fit - that sounded like my kind of fitness regimen! And the chap demonstrating the postures was doing it on the Hong Kong waterfront, which added an irresistible extra layer of exoticism to the show.

One of my few regrets about my time in China is that - apart from trying to join in with the grannies in the park occasionally - I haven't got down to studying or practising t'ai chi properly. I suppose I've made the excuse to myself that it is an old person's exercise system - and I did not yet feel old... or did not want to admit to myself that I was starting to.

T'ai chi, of course, is tremendously popular here (though probably not nearly so popular as when I first visited the country, nearly 20 years ago), and widely practised in public - often in large groups in public parks and so on, early in the morning. Moreover, I often find myself noticing an unusual elegance of movement in the way some people perform mundane activities, like sweeping the road. And I wonder if the practice of t'ai chi is responsible for the admirable grace - and ergonomic efficiency - which these people have achieved.

Indeed, there are certain patterns of movement that I see repeated so regularly, they almost could be t'ai chi exercises. I'm pretty sure they're not, but they look as though they could be. Hence, it has become a frivolous little game with me to invent names for these everyday actions and poses that seem to have something of the essence of t'ai chi about them.

It is great fun. I encourage my readers to give it a try - and perhaps to add some of their own suggestions in the comments.

Here are a few of my favourite examples.

With hands hanging down by one's sides, slightly away from one's body, standing upright with legs together, one pivots briskly on one leg through 180 degrees, bends forward very slightly at the waist, and takes a step backwards. Then one moves one's arms out from the body, keeping them straight, until the hands are a distance of about 30-40cm away from the legs, while simultaneously bending at the knees until one is nearly in a squatting position. One then returns the arms to one's sides, and stands upright again. Finally, one adopts a wider stance by moving one leg 60cm or so to the side, and dramatically crosses one's arms.

I call this one Using Your Parcels To Block The Subway Doors.

With legs slightly apart and slightly bent, one swings one's arms across one's body, down to around hip height to one's right - palms parallel to the ground and fingers fully extended, the right hand below facing upwards, and the left above facing down, just a few centimetres apart, as if holding a small object between the fingertips of the two hands. One then straightens one's legs and swings the two arms - while maintaining the same relationship between the hands - very slowly across to the left, until the two hands are at shoulder height, as far to the side of the body as they can possibly be without making one lose balance. At the same time one gradually swivels one's head around to the left, the eyes tracking the hands. At the end of the movement, one inclines the head very slightly, no more than ten degrees or so. An enigmatic smile is optional.

Really, I see people doing this a lot, and I have no idea what the purpose of it is. Perhaps this one really is a t'ai chi exercise. I have come to think of it as  Serving Tea To A Leper.

It's quite similar to.... 

With legs slightly apart and slightly bent, one swings one's arms across one's body, down to around hip height to one's right, while at the same time turning one's head and upper body to the right, but keeping the feet facing forward. Unlike Serving Tea, the fingers hang down towards the ground, and may be slightly curled; the right hand reaches further to the right than the left. One then straightens one's legs and swings the two arms very quickly across one's body - keeping them at hip height all the way - continuing the motion around behind one on the left side. The head returns to looking straight ahead, but - and this is very important - one must try to extend the hands as far behind oneself as possible without moving the head or upper body to the left at all, but instead keeping them facing directly forwards throughout.

This one, of course, is  Removing Your Bicycle From The Rack. This is one that illustrates t'ai chi's essence as a branch of the martial arts. Evidently the Chinese award themselves brownie points for scything down with their bicycles any unfortunate pedestrian approaching along the sidewalk from behind them - especially if it happens to be a foreigner.

Standing upright with feet slightly apart, one places one's right hand on one's hip, while raising the left arm - open palm facing upwards - in front of the body and slightly to the side. When the arm reaches shoulder height, it bends upwards slightly at the elbow, so that the hand is at or slightly above eye level. One raises one's head to look slightly upwards, and swivels at the waist, very slowly tracking first 45 degrees to the left, then to the right, then back to the left again.

This one is the less often seen Looking For Cellphone Reception In The Mountains.

From a more or less upright position with arms loosely at one's sides, one suddenly extends one's arm - elbow bent slightly upward, palm facing forward - as far to the right as possible, and takes a long step with one's right foot diagonally forward to the right, while hunching the shoulders and lowering the head slightly.

This is the less-common-than-it-used-to-be but still familiar Cutting In Line At The Ticket Window.

You see - HOURS of fun!!!

Seasonal Daily Llamas

Well, we haven't had one in a while. And this did seem particularly appropriate to the recent weather in Beijing.

Haiku for the week

The spirit revives,

Breathes calmness in solitude.

Clear skies, mountain air.

Or so I hope. I'm 1,000 miles away from Beijing, and 1,000 yards - at least - higher up. Even if the weather is lousy, that distance will be refreshing.

Cycles

I'd had a 'feeling in my bones' for a while that this might be a hard and early winter in Beijing. And so it proved last weekend, with a vile spell of fog, sleet, and overnight freezes right at the start of November.

But now I'm starting to wonder if my premonition of this cold snap was not based on contemporary warning signs (the early nip in the air in October, the chestnut vendors hitting the streets already), but on an unconscious recognition of what has been a fairly standard pattern over the past decade or so. The last time we had snow in early November was 2009. We also had snow at the start of November in 2003. And the record low temperatures for the first week of the month were in 2000. I couldn't remember offhand what 2006 had been like, but I just did a quick check in the Weather Underground archives, and, sure enough, in the second week of November temperatures suddenly plunged below freezing. In the intervening years, it hasn't usually started freezing until towards the end of the month, and the mean daily temperature in the first half of November has been 10-15 degrees Fahrenheit higher.

So, that's looking like a pretty solid repeating sequence: every third year, we get a shitty start to November. We must console ourselves that next year should be better.

[In fact, it looked to be cheering up quite a bit when I left on Tuesday.]

Favourite Posts from the 1st quarter of 2012

A roundup of highlights from the beginning of the year...

Pick of the Archives:

Favourite Posts, January-March 2012

1)  A timely reminder  -  1st January 2012

I find a photograph of a strange Chinglish notice that reminds me I really ought to be getting out of this place before too much longer.

2)  That's me, that is  -  4th January 2012

A couple of cartoons of my avatar, the 'bi-polar bear'.

3)  Why I never answer my phone  -  5th January 2012

One of my more important rants against modern life.

4)  My liver has been badly destroyed  -  6th January 2012

Part of my War on Chinglish series: the Chinese seem to be incapable of differentiating between different degrees of damage.

5)  Can you guess what it is?  -  9th January 2012

A photograph of a mystery object from my apartment, a perhaps uniquely Chinese piece of low-technology.

6)  My kitchen: a photo essay  -  11th January 2012

For those who are curious about the quirks of the typical Chinese kitchen. (And here's a companion piece on Chinese light fittings.)

7)  Song lyrics quiz  -  14th January 2012

An amusing little test for my readers.

8)  A veil of tiers  -  25th January 2012

I battle with Chinese statistics, trying to find reliable figures for how many cities there are in China now, and how many people live in them.

9)  Favourite prison films  -  28th January 2012

Another of my 'film lists' to close out the month.

10)  A fishy tale  -  31st January 2012

A traumatic episode in my childhood perhaps explains my lifelong aversion to eating seafood.

11)  The romance of the 'bargain bin'  -  4th February 2012

Some of the fabulous oddities I picked up for pennies during the long hours spent browsing in record shops during my student years.

12)  Positive thinking from the icy North  -  5th February 2012

An Inuit poem I encountered while living in Canada many years ago.

13)  A bon mot for the week  -  6th February 2012

One of my bitterer observations on love.

14)  Birds do it, bees do it, even quirky Japanese do it....  -  11th February 2012

I discover a hilarious instructional video on the Japanese approach to romance.

15)  Ford Prefect's verdict on Mao  -  17th February 2012

A pun that nobody got.

17)  Something we all need....  -  21st February 2012

I finally come across a Chinglishism I've been watching out for since I first came here!

18)  Now, where did that come from?  -  24th February 2012

A most unexpected dream prompts me to reflect on my stern moral stance towards romantic liaisons between teachers and their students... and to reminisce about the one girl who really tempted me to rethink that position.

19)  No Admittance  -  27th February 2012

The crankiness of Blogger's word-recognition feature for authorising comments had recently been driving me to distraction; but at least it led me to stumble across a rather charming animation of a Kafka short story.

20)  Here endeth the lesson  -  28th February 2012

I lose patience with a senior lawyer who's been dicking me around - and, more generally, with the perennial Chinese uselessness about dealing with business e-mail - and tell him exactly what I think of him. Ah, catharsis!

21)  Strange talents  -  3rd March 2012

I kick off the month with a list of some of the unlikely attributes I find myself blessed/cursed with.

22)  Safe sex, the Lei Feng way  -  5th March 2012

I discover that China's iconic do-gooder has been enlisted to promote condoms.

23)  The bottom of the academic barrel  -  9th March 2012

I indulge in a little rant against Marxist studies.

24)  To borrow a zombie analogy...  -  12th March 2012

A throwaway line about blog spammers being like the less threatening 'stumbler' zombies leads me into an analysis of whether zombies are viable anyway.

25)  Nature's Way  -  14th March 2012

I am fascinated by - but sceptical of - an article which suggests that once upon a time it was 'normal' to divide one's night's sleep into two separate sessions.

26)  My theme song  -  17th March 2012

For St Patrick's Day this year I post three versions of The Wild Rover - by The Dubliners, the Dropkick Murphys, and The Pogues.

27)  A difficult question  -  29th March 2012

A French scandal prompts some reflection on the question of what you can tell about a woman from the clothes she does - or doesn't - wear.

28)  Ideal for home defence  -  30th March 2012

I unearth an amusingly oddball art exhibition.

Oppressed by Fate! (Yet again!)

Trouble always comes in threes, they say.

It seems there may be something to that.

Last Thursday (as chance would have it, the first day for ages when I had a ton of urgent work to do on my computer, most of it requiring regular online access for fact-checking, or communicating with employers by e-mail), my Internet connection suddenly started getting glitchy, then failed altogether. I thought at first that the censors were raising their game ahead of this week's National Party Congress in Beijing, and having taken undue offence at my attempts to do some Googling about Deng Xiaoping, had decided not merely to torpedo my VPN connection, but to sever my access completely. It transpired that in fact my imprudent Google search had not been the triggering event; it was just a freakish coincidence that China Unicom had chosen that precise second to cut off my Internet service for non-payment. It seems they date the term of your subscription from the 1st of the month in which you commence it, even if you didn't take up the service until near the end of the month. And, of course, this being China, they don't tell anyone this. Even my landlord, who's been suffering with Unicom for years, was completely taken by surprise by this, by my (well, his - it's in his name) subscription being terminated three weeks before we'd expected. Easy enough to get the service restored, once we realised what the problem was - but it was hugely inconvenient timing, wiping out the best part of an afternoon's work for me.

The next day, my washing-machine suddenly lost power in the middle of doing a load of laundry. Particularly inconvenient, since I was off on my holidays a few days later, and needed to wash some clothes I was going to take with me. And particularly worrying, since the problem would appear to be a loose wire, and hence the whole machine - and indeed, the wet floor of my bathroom - might very well have become live. And four days later, I'm still waiting for my landlord to arrange a repair or replacement under his warranty. Grrrrr.

Well, I thought a nice cup of tea would calm me down. At which point, of course, my electric kettle inexplicably ceased to function as well.

This is starting to seem sinister. I do hope it isn't going to be any more than three things that go wrong for me...

It seems as though Lenka's Trouble Is A Friend Of Mine is becoming my theme song!



[Ah, well, as it happens... while I was writing this post, I suffered a a major computer freeze-up, one of those where even Ctrl-Alt-Delete won't get you out of jail. Had to crash the computer by removing the battery, and it then took an agonising 10 minutes or so to boot up again. Most alarming.

And I'd had a particularly disastrous experience at the hairdresser's just a day or two before, suffering at the hands of an especially dopey young cutter who just couldn't grasp the concept of symmetry.

Maybe I am destined to suffer three groups of three bad things???]

Timely escape

The enigmatically delayed, ever-so hush-hush National Party Congress is finally taking place in Beijing this week. I believe the official start date is Thursday 8th, but there'll probably be some kind of welcome shindig on the 7th, and various preliminary meetings even before that. The delegates are already starting to roll in from all around the country.

A hotel a few doors down from me is usually used to house quite a few of the less important delegates for meetings like this; so, my street is likely to be swarming with armed police for the next week. And - of course - the Internet is being filtered to hell, and is slow, slow, SLOW.

It is an excellent time to NOT be in Beijing. And, as luck would have it, a stack of different pretexts to be elsewhere all presented themselves in quick succession - so, I'm going to be off on a little 'southern tour' of my own for the next three weeks. [And, oh boy, did my VPN get crashed a lot of times when I was looking for that link! The Kafka Boys are outdoing themselves at the moment.]

I have tried to pre-bake a few posts to maintain the semblance of my still being here at my keyboard daily, but in fact.... well, I haven't decided if I'll even bother to take a laptop with me, and I'm not expecting to have very regular Internet access, or to be using it if I do. I'm on holiday, after all.

Have fun without me.

By the by, if martial law is declared in Beijing this week - you heard it here first. And if it isn't, I was joking.

[And - oh god! - Beijing is now reeling from an early onset of winter, beset by snow, ice, and fog over the last three days. There is a dangerously high probability that my flight out of Beijing will get cancelled. Oh, woe!]

Bon mot for the week

"Enthusiasm is useful if it can be stored in a reservoir. If its dam breaks, it can be very troublesome."

Froog

Such is my vice, anyway.

An idea 'stolen'

I omitted one of my favourites from amongst Wednesday's collection of thumbnail outlines of my horror stories, because... well, for a number of reasons. One is that I wrote it as a young boy, 36 or so years ago, and thus no longer have a very detailed recollection of it. Further, it was very short, and I suspect not very good. But I suppressed it chiefly because I had discovered to my chagrin a few years after writing it that the idea was not original.

Well, what is? There is no new thing under the sun, as the prophet says.

Of course, at such a tender age, it is very disheartening to learn this truth so bluntly. I had thought my little story was a terribly brilliant idea that no-one else could ever possibly have come up with. Just as well I got over that when I was 13 or 14, I suppose. 

My story, The Telephone Box, was inspired by many unpleasant experiences with the old-fashioned British telephone boxes, which were uniquely claustrophic (entirely enclosed, narrow dimensions, stout metal construction, tiny window panes), and had very heavy doors which could be a real struggle to open and close. Plus, of course, they were very often out of order.

There wasn't very much to the story, except that a man's car broke down on a remote country road. He was in the middle of nowhere, and thought himself very lucky to find a telephone box nearby (no mobile phones in those far-off days, of course). He was not so lucky when he entered it: he found himself trapped, the door jammed shut, and the phone not working. Nobody passed by to discover his plight, and after several days he succumbed to despair and strangled himself with the phone cord. (I probably didn't know at that point in my life that lack of water will kill you sooner than lack of food, or what the timeframe of survival is.) Eventually a workman comes along, apparently from the phone company. He removes the dead body, but does nothing to fix the jam-prone door. *

Now watch this - La Cabina, a classic 35-minute short by Spanish director Antonio Mercero. For a little while I fancied that he may have somehow ripped off my idea, and I fantasised about suing him to get a credit on the movie. I eventually discovered that he had made it for Spanish TV in 1972, a few years before I wrote my story; but I'm pretty sure I could have had no knowledge of it at that time. I don't think it was shown on British TV (a Saturday night on BBC2, if I recall correctly) until around the late '70s - and was repeated about a decade later, when I managed to videotape it (but that tape is now long lost). I have been trying for twenty years or more to unearth this film again, but it has only recently turned up on Youtube.

Mercero's story far surpasses my own effort, particularly in exploiting his hapless protagonist's interactions with people outside the booth (something I'd completely excluded - because my prosaic imagination couldn't conceive of how he wouldn't be rescued if someone found him!) and, in the later stages, with elaborating the suggestion of a sinister conspiracy by the phone company (the final scene is just jaw-dropping). I really like the way this film starts with a fairly light tone, a kind of Tati-esque social comedy on voyeurism, but becomes steadily darker and darker. [It's essentially dialogue-free, so the absence of subtitles is not a problem.]

I don't know why we haven't heard more from Snr Mercero. It seems he's been working pretty regularly in Spain, mostly in television, for over 40 years now; but nothing else has had the impact of this devastating little masterpiece of the surreal and the macabre.

*  Thank heavens they don't have telephone boxes in China!

Everything happens for a reason...

I hear the central heating is going to be turned on in Beijing this weekend - nearly two weeks ahead of the traditional November 15th date for this annual rite of passage.

Now, it has been savagely nippy here this last week: daytime temperatures barely crawling above 60 degrees Fahrenheit (and a good 10 or 15 degrees colder in my apartment!), and the overnight lows plunging close to freezing a couple of times. Over this weekend, it seems likely that it's going to start freezing regularly overnight, while the daytime temperatures are plummeting from the high 50s and low 60s into the mid-40s. As I feared a month ago, winter seems to be showing up three or four weeks early this year.

So, there is good reason to bring forward the initiation of the winter central heating.

Am I being unduly cynical to wonder if it's just in Beijing, if it isn't somehow connected to the upcoming National Party Congress next week? I mean, you don't want to give the citizens of the capital any particular reason to feel pissed off with the government at a time like this, do you?

Cynic? Moi?!

New Picks of the Month

Three years ago this month, I was busy moving apartments, but... that didn't stop me blogging!

On Froogville, I select Plumbing the depths as my pick of the crop - a particularly egregious example of the pitiful levels of Chinese scholarship I have to deal with in my academic editing work. 
[Although, this one on how the Chinese introduce statistics, this one on the difficulty of keeping a Chinese apartment clean, or this one on the inevitable uselessness of any utensil made out of Chinese plastic were also strong contenders.]

On The Barstool, my top pick is Shit happens - some entertaining wordplay between myself and my erudite friend The Weeble. 
[But, in an unusually rich month, I might equally have plumped for this list of my favourite Beijing dive bars (the inaugural entry in my Top Fives series), this description of how I like my Manhattans, or this contemptuous analysis of an over-fussy Thanksgiving menu.]

Traffic Report - the blog stats for October

Oh, dear! Last month turned out to be rather too prolific - for mine or anyone else's good. Partly, no doubt, it was not having any work. Partly, perhaps, not drinking - and hence not going out very much - also boosted my output. And, since I have decided to call time on my blogs next month, there may be an element of trying to get a lot done in these last few weeks, tidying up loose ends and getting some long-contemplated, oft-deferred posts off my chest.

Last month, there were 38 posts and around 20,000 words on Froogville.

There were 34 posts and some 11,500 words on Barstool Blues.

Too much, I know. Forgive me.

Nothing much of interest happening with the stats, except that my post on 'Oneiric' Films last Saturday is racking up a record number of hits according to Google/Blogger's own traffic monitoring. Ordinarily, I only get about 10 to 15 single-page views recorded for each post, within a day or two of them going up. So, I assume this is mostly regular readers (if I have any such). The numbers climb a little thereafter, but only very slowly and intermittently - unless I've been writing on something that has obvious search engine 'sex appeal' (which, as often as not, means just sex appeal). The word 'oneiric' would appear to be super-sexy to search engines, because that post achieved 100 single-page hits in just over 24 hours, and has now amassed more than 250. Alas, I fear this does just mean turning up in search results, rather than actually attracting anyone to visit the blog.

Haiku for the week

Repeating cycles

Sometimes reassure, refresh;

Sometimes wear you down.

I finally managed a full practice marathon at the start of this week, 8 laps around the nearby lakes.

Well, I finished - that's something. Especially considering I've been suffering badly with allergies recently, so my breathing wasn't as easy as I would wish. And, amazingly, I didn't feel too awful the next day - although I would not have liked to have attempted another long run. But at least I didn't injure myself. And my pace - at least, at first - was pretty good, not too far short of what I was running 5 or 6 years ago: just inside 2 hours for the half-distance. But man, the second half was much slower; and I hit 'the wall' bad at around 18 miles. It was a real struggle to get to the end after that.

Still, quite a promising result, all in all. I'm still 5 weeks away from the marathon I had planned to run in Shanghai (but am now boycotting), and 9 weeks away from the one I still hope to run in Xiamen (if they ever get their act together about registrations!); so, I still have time to build up strength and stamina some more, get myself more fully prepared.

Ah, but.... I just rashly entered myself in a race next week. That.... that is going to be PAINFUL. Wish me luck.