Once Upon A Time In China

A couple of weeks ago, at the onset of this 'celebratory month' when both my blogs turn five years old, I was challenged by a regular commenter (JES, of the most excellent Running After My Hat blog) to come up with something "cinematic" to mark the anniversary. And so, in an idle moment a couple of days later, I knocked off this frippery.

My thinking was... any film treatment of my experience in China would have to ramp up the levels of conflict and excitement. I am mostly far too introverted and intellectual and easy-going (yes, really!!) to get myself into situations of danger. My erstwhile teaching colleague Big Frank was much more apt to get himself into dramatic confrontations, and was a better model for a cinematic story. So, I began thinking it might be fun to try to transform the typical experiences of your average China expat (coming over to sample the life and finding easy work as an EFL teacher) into something of an action movie. Jason Statham was the obvious choice for the central role (not that he looks anything like me; but he could portray Big Frank quite well, though significantly less formidable in stature): he's one of the most readily recognisable British film stars in the world now, and with just the right combination of being essentially good-natured but hard-as-nails. I pictured him as basically playing himself (for a change!); and, for ease of recognition, and to play up the jokey incongruity, I thought we'd use his own name too. Also, I confess, I was striving to work in as many reminiscences as possible of Sergio Leone's classic Western Once Upon A Time In The West, and so was rather taken with the pun on his surname (read on, and you'll soon see what I mean). It's not finished, of course; only the beginnings of a sketch of an outline... But I think it has some promise...

*******

An empty parking lot in front of Beijing Airport (the small, grotty, pre-2007 one), shortly after dawn. Three minivan drivers are standing around, waiting for pick-ups from the first inbound flights that day.

One them is relentlessly picking his nose, examining the pickings closely for a few seconds before wiping them on the cuff of his jacket, picking again. The second is methodically chewing watermelon seeds, spitting out fragments of husk. The third is rhythmically clearing his throat, the exact same hawking-rattling noise every four or five seconds, never quite leading to a spit. Several minutes pass with no variation in these activities. Occasionally, a flimsy orange plastic carrier bag scuds across the tarmac, filling the office of a tumbleweed.

... Some time later, inside the terminal building. One of the Chinese minivan drivers is scanning the arrivals board. All flights are listed as 'Delayed'.

... Much later... a group of weary, bemused Western European travellers emerges through the 'Arrivals' door, among whom we recognise the charismatic British actor Jason Statham. One of the drivers is lolling against the railing beside the door, holding a piece of cardboard with the word 'Station' clumsily written on it in felt marker. JS notices the sign as he walks past, does a slight doubletake, then attempts to ask the driver if he is waiting for him. Driver insists he is waiting for a 'Mr Station'. JS sees which way this is going, and agrees that he is Mr Station.

... Some days later, in a small neighbourhood restaurant in central Beijing: six or eight seating booths, only a few of them occupied by Chinese diners. The lights suddenly go out. The owner shuffles around, one by one lighting the candles which had already been put out on the tables for such an eventuality. When he lights the last one, he is mildly shocked to discover that it reveals the glowering face of JS in one of the booths that had previously been empty. JS makes several attempts to order a beer in bad, toneless Chinese. The owner looks at him in bafflement. 'Beer!' moans JS despairingly. The owner's face lights up in recognition, and he replies in fumbling but serviceable English, "Why didn't you say so?" JS rolls his eyes slightly.

... The next morning. JS is teaching English to a group of Chinese teenagers. He has brought along a hammer, with which he mimes that he will smash any mobile phones he sees being used in the classroom. Three students immediately try to SMS their friends about this hilarious behaviour, and duly have their phones smashed. The class is reduced to stunned silence. Some of the girls begin to weep.

... A few weeks later, Mid-Autumn Festival. JS, now known as 站老师 (Zhan laoshi - Teacher Station), has been invited to an all-night Karaoke party by his female students, who take it in turns to make gauche attempts to seduce him...

... Three months later, the end-of-semester 'thank you' dinner for the foreign teachers. The evil Dean of Studies, jealous of JS's popularity with the students, challenges him to a baijiu-drinking duel...

'Ganbei' that!