My kitchen is CRAP (Where in the world am I? [24])

The reason my kitchen got into such a mess during the comparatively minor exercise of attempting to cook 6 or 7 different dishes for 40+ people last week is that it is CRAP. Not just that I am a crap cook, or that that was a ridiculously HUGE amount of cooking to try to undertake (although these things are also true), but because my kitchen is CRAP.

The reason my kitchen is some way off being restored to wholesomeness and inhabitability (and being able to accommodate the water-meter reading lady without SHAME) is because it is CRAP. Not that I am a lazy or incompetent cleaner, or that I have been too preoccupied with other stuff for the past couple of days (although these things are also true), but because my kitchen is CRAP.

The ways in which my kitchen is crap:

1) It has very little usable cupboard space. Only one of the cupboards is eye-level, and the shelves in that are too flimsy to support very much weight. The under-counter cupboards are SO LOW as to be pretty much inaccessible to lanky old me...... and they have an alarming tendency to fill up with the disgusting sticky gunk that is produced by local cooking oil (see points 2 & 3), so I can't really use them for anything.

2) Everything is dirty and sticky and oily, and always will be. It is just impossible keep anything clean in this country, especially a kitchen. Most of the locals, I'm sure (I know) don't even try. I don't know what's in the cooking oil out here, but it seems to achieve an aerosol form very easily during cooking.... and then coats everything with a semi-solid, tar-like, superglue-like disgusting sticky gunk. It wouldn't be so bad if I had a decent extractor fan (see point 3).

3) Well, at least I have an extractor fan. I just don't think it actually extracts anything - it merely circulates the air around in the kitchen so that every exposed surface and utensil can be more effectively coated with the disgusting sticky gunk.

4) I have very little effective working space. I know my kitchen is BIG compared to most local apartments, but it's still pretty TINY by the standards of the developed world. I basically have about 18 inches between the sink and the stove that I can use for preparing stuff. (I have noticed that the locals don't generally do prep work in the kitchen: they do it in the living room, or on the balcony, or out in the yard.)

5) The water-heater doesn't work. Well, it does from time to time.... but it usually gets tired and cuts out after 20 seconds or so. This makes doing the washing-up a very frustrating and protracted process! Of course, it doesn't help that the gas-fired heater is mounted in a sealed wall-cupboard: lack of oxygen is a major cause of its pathetic performance; however, even with both cupboard doors and the adjacent window wide open, it still cuts out every 20 seconds or so.

6) When the cupboard doors above the sink are open (see point 5), I bang my head on them approximately once every 2 minutes on average.

7) My gas stove only has 2 rings. The rings only have two settings: VERY HOT and IRON-SMELTING. Even on the very lowest flame, food quickly gets burned on to the bottom of the pan; it is quite impossible to maintain a gentle simmer. On the very lowest flame setting, the flame dies quite often. So, your food is constantly alternating between not being cooked at all and being burned.

8) I only have TWO powerpoints in the kitchen - one of which is obviously required for the fridge-freezer. The remaining 7 or 8 electrical appliances are all run off extension cords and multi-socket adaptors from a single outlet. Not very safe, I know - but what are you going to do?

9) The twin sinks are both too narrow to admit any reasonable-sized cooking vessel, or any size of washing up bowl available in local shops. Hence any attempt to cram such items into them results in water being redirected all over the kitchen floor.

10) The mixer-tap above the sinks is SO LOW that it is virtually impossible to get anything into or out of the sinks without bashing them against it (it won't fold out of the way properly - and who wants to move the tap every time you put something into or take something out of the sink??).

11) The mixer-tap leaks profusely from its base (adding to the slooshing of water all over the kitchen floor problem mentioned in point 9 above), something that (like the dodgy water-heater) my landlord has repeatedly refused to fix.

12) There is no waste-disposal. This is a rice-eating country. I am a rice-eating person. We had a number of rice dishes at my party at the weekend. Despite my most rigorous efforts, there will inevitably be a few grains of rice (OK, often maybe more than a few) that adhere to the inside of cooking pans. When these get washed down the sink, the plughole will clog instantly (adding to the flooding hazard mentioned in points 9 and 11). Number of grains of rice required to completely clog the sink: 6. (Yes, I've done exhaustive research.)

13) Lighting is provided by a single neon bulb of such low wattage that it cannot be measured in whole numbers. Using this light alone, it is impossible to see whether food is cooked, whether things are burned on to the bottom of pans, whether the sink is clogged, whether washed-up plates and glasses are in fact clean, etc. At least, not without seriously damaging your eyes. Therefore all kitchen activities have to be carried out in daylight, preferably on days of strong sunshine. On occasions when I am compelled to work in the kitchen at night, I have to use a torch.

14) It is the only room in the apartment with no air-conditioning. As mentioned before (in point 3), there is also no worthwhile extractor fan, and thus I generally have to work with the window wide open. In Winter the kitchen is frost-bitingly cold; in Summer it is swelteringly hot.

I could go on some more, but I think you've got the idea.

Why is this a 'Where in the world am I?' post?? Well, you see, this is not just my bad luck in my choice of apartment. In fact, I think I have been unusually lucky in my apartment, even in my kitchen. Most apartments, most kitchens in this country have very similar failings; the majority, in fact, are probably FAR WORSE. Mind-boggling, terrifying, sobering.