Now I find myself applying for straight jobs.
My emotions are a jumble: despair and self-disgust that I have sunk so low; a suffocating horror in my contemplation of a possible return to an office-based existence; sneaking hopes that I won't be offered the jobs, coupled with depression in anticipation of the likely rejection (and a raging resentment against the stupidity and injustice of such a decision: it's a pretty fair bet that I would be the best candidate they'll have for either position, so I ought to be a shoo-in, but....); mounting terror about how I am going to continue to support myself in this country, as all the work I have been relying on for the last five years seems to be leaching away.
The horror, the horror.
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