Saturday, October 31, 2009

Up yer bum!

Oh dear.  I've been at it again.  A couple of months ago, I got dragged into a long comment-thread exchange here, on Stuart's Found In China blog; and this week I've found myself doing it again, here.  My recurring antagonist is a young man who calls himself 'Pffefer'.  He's a lot sharper and more coherent than your typical fenqing, at least when he keeps off the trucker's pills; however, from time to time, he can get quite offensive, and I had to issue him a bit of a warning this week.  Knowing something of my Classical education, he quipped back that perhaps I would start insulting him in Greek.
 
Well, yes indeed.
 
A favourite term that came to mind at once was the verb rhaphanidoô (I'm pretty sure there's also a form rhaphanizo, although I can't seem to find that online).  Unfortunately, none of the dictionaries I've looked at seem to support Greek characters.
 
It's derived from rhaphanis, a type of radish, and the venerable Liddell & Scott Greek Lexicon famously defined it as to thrust a radish up the fundament.  Which was no use at all to a 13-year-old schoolboy: what the heck was the fundament??  The distinguished scholars were, of course, coyly avoiding the use of the word anus. 
 
Yes, this word means to ravish with a radish! 
 
But not in a good way.  Oh no.  Apparently, this was a particularly nasty punishment often visited upon adulterers and other chaps who had offended the master of the house in some way.
 
The exact mechanics of this, though, were never - as far as I was ever able to discover - elaborated on anywhere in the surviving Classical canon (it's the sort of the word you're only likely to find in the bawdy comedies of Aristophanes, and he's not a great one for explaining his references - "lion on the cheese-grater", anyone?); and so this was a question which excited much speculation during my years of studying Ancient Greek.
 
The first suggestion one usually encounters is that this type of radish was rather large, and thus its insertion was inevitably painful. This is at first quite a surprising idea to us Brits, who only know the small, round purplish red variety - which are of the size and shape of things that people do quite often put up their bottoms for pleasure. It's quite an eye-opener for the naive teenager to discover that other members of the radish family can grow much larger.  I don't know if anyone's done any investigation into what kinds of vegetable they were growing in Attica at that time.
 
Then, of course, one adds in the fact that the radish is usually quite a piquant vegetable, that perhaps it is its heat that is the main source of anal discomfort.  But the larger radishes are mostly very mild, aren't they?  And you wouldn't expect any of the spiciness to seep out unless it had been peeled - did they peel before thrusting?
 
The ultimate, and most convincing (most alarming!), conjecture is that one made cross-cuts in the end of the vegetable, so that when introduced to a moist environment it would soon fan out into a floret - making it difficult or impossible to remove again.  Ouch!
 
 
So, Mr Pffefer, please stay on your best behaviour, or I may have to come after you with a peeled radish.
 
 

11 comments:

JES said...

When I first saw those various Greek forms posted above, I thought of the Rappahannock River in Virginia, which I used to cross regularly for the 2-3 years I lived in Richmond. I wondered if the early English settlers -- probably more and better educated in the classics than the current denizens -- might have raised their eyebrows when the Algonquins told them the name. Which comes from the word lappihane and means (per Wikipedia) "river of quick, rising water" or "where the tide ebbs and flows."

[Insert rimshot here.]

Froog said...

Hm, yes, I wonder if there is some tenuous connection. Radishes need to be well-watered, I believe...

Froog said...

I suppose rhaphanizo would be the Future tense of rhaphanidoô - the form most likely to be used a threat or an insult in Aristophanes ("I'll shove a radish up your arse!"). I had been thinking it was a variant spelling of the same verb.

Thought I'd better come clean on that before the Weeble steps up to the mocking post again.

Froog said...

"Lion on the cheese-grater", anyone???

JES said...

The lion-on-the-cheese-grater was new to me.

Perhaps it will help (er, if that's the right word) to think of a lion's face: elongated, effectively hairless business down the center, one large ear at the top and to either side of it -- separated from the face by my GOD that's a lot of hair...

Which, if true, I might have to put right up on the same pedestal with the radish ravishment. (Which I meant to tell you, btw, made me laugh.)

Froog said...

The "lion on the cheese-grater" is one of the most notorious conundrums in Classical literature. It comes up in the Lysistrata, I think - the Aristophanes play that's entirely, rather than just mostly, about sex.

It appears to be the name of a sexual activity or position, but precisely which one remains a matter of bafflement. It is regularly conjectured that the image is derived from a common design of decorative cheese-grater such as you describe, JES (though I think one usually envisages a whole lion, with the grating grill being its belly); but whether it's that, or a real lion (and a real cheese-grater?), it's a bit hard to see how the image relates to human anatomy.

The likeliest explanation, I think, is that Aristophanes was just making up a nonsense expression, one which perhaps made fun of similar odd periphrases that were actually in use. And, of course, in matters of sexual practice - especially in the more exotic reaches of sex - one never likes to admit ignorance when one encounters one of these obscure and outlandish terms; one just nods knowingly, and mutters, "Ah, that! Yes, it's good, isn't it?"

Swordsman said...

I once had an alter-ego, a rather stoned-out old hippie, called Whisperin' Jim Rhaphanidoun.

FWIW.

Froog said...

I cannot picture you as a stoned-out hippie, Swordsman.

But that is a great name. In what forum did this character manifest himself?

Froog said...

I have sometimes wondered if there are any references to this which unequivocally suggest the actual employment of a radish. Perhaps, after all, it was just an odd euphemism for sodomise?

Swordsman said...

It was an alternative universe version of the Beatles, whose history we developed during free periods in the RGS 6th Form Common Room. The band went through numerous incarnations, including one called "Roy Jenkins and the Gang of Three."

Swordsman said...

Here's the Liddell & Scott entry:

http://old.perseus.tufts.edu/cgi-bin/ptext?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A1999.04.0057%3Aentry%3D%2392211

"Thrust a radish up the fundament"