Anatomy of a down

For the past three or four weeks I have been about as low in mood as I can recall being in many, many years - perhaps in a decade. Very bad, indeed. Psychopathic and dysfunctional at times. I don't know that I've ever been that bad before.

I fret about the possible reasons.

Cumulative lack of sleep is a leading contributor, I have no doubt. I've never slept well in China; and my crazy lifestyle tends to drive me to burn the candle at both ends, staying up too late at night, getting up too early in the morning. And the stifling summer humidity here in Beijing (which, this year, kicked in at least a month or so earlier than usual) makes it very difficult to get in any quality sleep at all.

Work stress may be part of it too. I have way too many balls in the air, irons in the fire, or whatever just at the moment.

Then there's probably the shock of a change in workload and tempo of life this month: I've suddenly gone from working 80-hr weeks to 10-hr ones; and I find that when I have too much time on my hands I fall to brooding.

The foul weather we've been having is a big factor too. This week has been so continuously humid, hazy, and overcast that the peak daytime light levels have been barely above what you'd expect at dawn or dusk. We haven't seen the sun at all. The whole month been very nearly as bad. Perhaps I am afflicted with Seasonal Affective Disorder in an unexpected season.

Because of the humidity and smog, I've only been able to get out for a run once every week or two for most of this year - rather than the three or four times a week that I aim for when I'm on a serious fitness kick. When I'm not able to exercise regularly, it's not just my physical condition but my sense of mental well-being that takes a hit.

I wonder, too, if this might not be the onset of my "mid-life crisis". Thanks to the environmental stress and lack of exercise this year (and, yes, the late nights and the boozing too), I have finally started to show my age: I've put on several pounds, started to get distinctly paunchy, and my hair is suddenly thinning rapidly. I am not ready to be 40, damn it! Heck, I am not even ready to be 30!! And yet now, I look in the mirror and I see 50, 60, and Death coming towards me fast.

And then, there's that other seasonal thing, the anniversary of my worst experience in China. It is haunting me with renewed insistence this year. I can't see any likely significance in that timeframe, or in my circumstances now, which should render me so especially vulnerable. Perhaps it is just the football providing a link to revive the memories: we were in the middle of EURO 2004 when it happened. Yes, oddly enough, I think that might be it. I always felt I had come through the ordeal pretty well, but I fear my catastrophic mood-slump of the last few weeks had an element of post-traumatic stress in it (and I know quite a bit about PTSD from my training as a personal injury lawyer).

But enough of this gloom and doom. I'm starting to feel much better now, thank you. Now, if only the clouds would part and show us a little blue sky again for a few days......