Sunday, June 24, 2007

More morbidity

Forgive me - it's the time of the year.

I was thinking I hadn't posted much poetry this month. It's mainly because I've been too busy (or too 'uninspired') to write anything recently, and don't have that much left in the 'archive' that's worth sharing.

This is really just an unfinished sketch, another little bit of playing around with a line fragment that insinuated itself into my skull and refused to leave ("cool/cold kiss of the razor"), and which I've used elsewhere, probably to better effect. However, I think this has one or two worthwhile moments - I might do something with it one day.

I labelled this 'Suicide Note #4' partly because I write so many dark little pieces like this that I thought I might as well - slightly disparagingly - identify it, or 'anonymise' it, as part of a larger body of work, perhaps indeed an infinite series of such broodiness. Any random number would have done: I was tempted to use something much larger ('#378' perhaps); but '4' is an ill-starred number in Chinese numerology, symbolic of death - so it seemed rather appropriate.



Suicide Note #4

There must be something better

Better than the pain
Of being always poor
In a world that loves riches
Better than the pain
Of paying to live
By the month, by the week, by the second
Better than the pain
Of working only for pay
While the soul withers
Better than the pain
Of covering one's bills
While burying one's desires
Better than the pain
Of seeing what I once had, want again,
And know I will never have

Better by far, the brief sharp sting:
The cool kiss of the razor
Is the best pain of all

9 comments:

Tulsa said...

wow... you must be really disliking your job...

well, at least you have this outlet for your frustration/boredom/etc.

Froog said...

This if from a year or so ago - so, not about this job.... just about the treadmill of having to work for a living at all.

Tulsa said...

hmm, yes. that treadmill is annoying.

Froog said...

There's also, of course, a question as to whether the regret for "what I once had" refers to a woman, a career, or to stability & peace of mind in general.

tulsa said...

Of seeing what I once had, want again,
And know I will never have


I interpreted that on my first read as "youth" or the "vibrancy of youth" or the "excitement and energy of youth"... as in, the young adult, newly hired for his/her first job, excited and ready to do his/her best, honestly thinking it all means something and adds value to their lives and other people's lives. also i guess, i read it as innocence.

but, yes, I can see how it can mean any one of the other things you proposed.

Tulsa said...

because the poem is about being poor and earning money and the repetitive pointlessness/joylessness of it all -- my first interpretation of those lines is as i stated above.

but, removed from the poem, those lines have a varied and diverse effect. I know for what those lines, standing alone make me wistful and make my heart ache. but what it is that I see that I once had (or maybe never had, but always thought I'd have), that I want again, that I know I will never have... is something I am not comfortable sharing in such a public way.

I would think those lines would touch everyone in a very personal and private way.

such longing -- lacking of any hope of ever being satisfied -- it's quite painful.

Froog said...

Such longing, with no hope of ever being satisfied....

I think the last few moments of 'Being John Malkovich' represent the most haunting, the most painful, the most cruel image I can ever recall seeing on film. Quite devastating.

Tulsa said...

(big sigh) I suppose now I need to go hunt for a copy of "Being John Malkovich".

Froog said...

Yes, you do. The most stunningly orginal film of the last 10 years. Very, very funny; very, very dark.

Of course, I have a copy - but I don't want to let it out of my sight.