Sporadic advance of relevance

My recent attempts to grapple with some of the impenetrable scientific English wrought by non-native speakers has reminded me of an old, old favourite in this genre.

A friend of mine at University - let's call him The Botanist - enjoyed an even more chequered academic career than me, constantly flirting with expulsion, but always somehow just managing to hang on. He had soon grown jaded with his initial subject choice of biochemistry, and, after dipping his toes in the waters of a number of other possible options, he eventually drifted somewhat haphazardly into botany. He took even longer over his degree than me.... and I'm not sure that he ever quite finished....

He was a voracious reader and collector of books (even more so than me). And a year or two after we'd finally moved on from University, he found himself without a substantial roof over his head for a while, and asked to lodge his very considerable library with me (mostly abstruse titles dating from his fleeting periods of interest in biochemistry, politics, history, and who knows what else... but principally botany ['The Evolution of the Banana' has always been one of my favourite titles!]).

This weighty addition to my own not-insignificant library was often of assistance to me in intimidating wayward pupils (this was during my brief spell as a schoolmaster); I would summon them to my study for a dressing-down, and then leave them to stew on their own for a few minutes... contemplating the thousand-plus unfathomable titles which covered almost the entire end-wall of the room. Almost invariably they would try to begin their interview with me by asking the awed question: "Sir, have you read all these books?" "Yes!" I'd lie shamelessly... and they'd be putty in my hands after that. But I digress.

The most outlandishly titled and outlandishly written of all of these botany books (I may not have read them all, but I did at least skim through most of them at some point - the ones with the more obviously interesting or amusing titles, anyway) was 'An Introduction to the Taxonomy of Angiosperms' - the life's work of a couple of worthy Indian scholars. However, although the content of the book was no doubt meticulously compiled, the English did leave something to be desired (in particular, definite and indefinite articles were almost invariably confused, if not omitted altogether - a common failing among many Asian English speakers). Eventually, The Botanist reclaimed all of these bizarre books; but the one-page introduction to 'Taxonomy of Angiosperms' had become such a joy to me, such a treasure-chest of unintentional hilarity, that I kept a photocopy of it for many years (but it is now lost; and I cannot find the passage online, so it may be gone for good..... I will just have to rely on memory). I especially cherished the closing lines, something like: "There is need of constant update to keep apace with sporadic advance of relevance."

The "sporadic advance of relevance" seems to describe the progress of my life, the progress of this blog rather aptly. It could well become the title of my autobiography if I ever get around to writing one.